What do you struggle with?

So, I've took a little blogging vacation. Not that I wanted to, but I kind of decided that if I couldn't be positive, then I wasn't doing what God had intended me to do with my writing. This has been an eye opening, slap in the face kind of month or so. 

Remember the roller coaster I have talked about getting off so many, many times? Well, again, I dipped low. I would hazard to say that it might have been the lowest I had ever been. Sometimes though, you have to hit that low point, the point where all you have is God. (Someone, who thinks they are pretty wise, has said this more then once!Haha!) 

Much to say, struggling is an everyday process for me to overcome. But, I see hope, maybe even glimpses of peace in my life. I start to get extremely worried when I see this, or let myself feel it, because then I worry so much about what "might" happen next. What is going to happen that I'm going to make the wrong decision? Or, what is going to happen that will throw me in that tail spin? Make me fail miserably? Make me lose control........again.......

Here's the problem; I KNOW what I need to do when these things happen. Why do I not call out His name? Why do I not ask for help? Why do I insist on doing this myself? Why do I try to control everything on my own? Why can I not just keep submitting everything to God? 

Okay, rant is over...........sorry....I could go on all day with these questions.....but back to where I was going.

Anyways, I thought as I really want to get back into blogging I need to start looking at things logically, instead of emotionally. So I thought I would try to go through some emotions that I've had to deal with one at a time and find some bible verses to either explain them or help me to get rid of them. So bear with me as I try this out.......

The first one that I'm trying my hardest to tackle is a pretty big one in my life. 

Jealousy. 

Definition: mental uneasiness about the suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness etc., as in love or aims: feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.

This can literally consume my thoughts. I start to over think every action and every word that comes out of other people. Questioning things that have happened or not happened to me.Questioning what I've done wrong. Questioning why they don't like me. Jealousy to me has a lot to do with self-esteem, which I lack.  One problem lies in that my focus has got to change. (Pretty sure I've said this before.) Jealousy would not be in my life if I wouldn't focus on others, but instead focus on God and my relationship with Him. 

So, I started looking up verses regarding jealousy. This is where I got smacked in the face. Have you heard about the fruit of the spirit? Well, our Pastor preached on these a month ago. It was a great sermon series, I learned a lot, but I was still stuck on that stupid roller coaster and had a hard time applying anything to my life at that time. Any change would send me in a tail spin and I felt out of control. It was a low point. Anyways, before that part in Galatians, there's a part that talks about the "deeds of the flesh." 

Galatians 5:19-21 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger,disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.....

What!?!?! I will not "inherit the kingdom of God"? What does this mean? Does it mean that I have turned away from God? Does it mean that I won't be going to heaven? Okay, fine........so I get it.......it's a sin.....and must be a pretty big one to go along with all of those that are listed with it. WOW!!!!! Did you hear that? I totally got smacked across the face! 

Okay, so things must change, so now to get rid of it? First of all, just STOP! Change my thinking........change my thinking.......change my thinking........Pray........pray.........pray....... Read.......read......read.........

After being smacked I decided to keep reading...... 

Galatians 5:22-23; But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law. 

Did you see that? BUT......... So if I have the fruit of the Spirit will jealousy have any room in my life? That's the question. So, my goal this week is to stay on track..... I've had a couple good weeks with no "real" mental breakdowns.....would love to have 3 weeks, well, would love to have more than that, but right now I'm kind of living life in short segments. More than that overwhelms me. 

I hope and pray that this makes sense to you and that in some way this can also help you. 

I've sat on this above post for a couple days now. Debating on posting it or not. I've actually debated on pulling down this blog. Almost every time I do though, someone reaches out to me and says that the words I have wrote have "spoke" to them in one way or another. This gives me so much joy, but also scares me to death. I absolutely love writing. Writing to help someone else brings me the most joy. I don't know God's plan for my life, all I can do right now is live day by day, trying my best to please Him. I pray that this blog is what someone needs to hear. Every blog I post I worry about what people are going to think of me. This blog has got to be turned over to Jesus. It's in His hands. 

This song has some great lyrics. It's called I Don't Deserve You Now,by Plumb. The reason that I added this song to this post is, "I don't deserve" Him, not "after all I've done." I don't deserve His Love, His forgiveness. His grace. BUT He's freely giving it me, I just have to accept it. The same as you. Love you and praying for you.