BeautifullyBroken

Looking back on my life, this simple quote makes me think? What doesn't kill you makes you what? Stronger? Happier? More peaceful? Smarter? I feel like you can put anything at the end of this statement. My ending word has changed more times then I care to admit, as I suppose that yours has too. Having a micro-premie....."What doesn't kill you makes you smarter?" I learned so much for our 5 month hiatus in the NICU. I witnessed so many miracles. This was a time that in my life that I was the most scared, for my life and for my baby. If you have never seen what a 1 pound, 23 week baby looked like outside of the womb, you wouldn't get how amazing of a place any NICU is. I am so thankful for all that I learned through my first miracle. I'm so thankful that God gave me her to make me stronger!  Having not one, but two strokes..... "What doesn't kill you makes you anxious?" This one took me awhile to really come up with. There's a long story with

The world has drowned itself out, my worries, my anxiety, my brokenness, my overthinking, all submerged into the water as I lay on my back staring up at the black sky. A clear night like no other, I'm amazed at the stars that I can see, and yet don't dare to even began to count them. I pick out the Little Dipper, more because it's the only one I can really remember from school. The water is warm on this summer night as I lay as still as can be. I almost feel like I'm laying in a giant bathtub, but my part of body that isn't covered by water gets goosebumps, more to just remind me I'm outside.  It is so quiet, I can hear my heart beating, the sounds gives me comfort, in some strange way. The water in my ears drowns out everything else. Everything is so peaceful and calm, if only my heart was that way.  As I stop in the center of the pool, and relax as I've never relaxed before... I think about how insignificant I am. Who am I? In this world with billion

If you grew up in a rough atmosphere, not the best relationships with your family it is so hard to figure out who you are in the eyes of God. This has been something I have struggled with for almost 4 years now. It's so hard to see God's wonderful grace, his mercy, his compassion, his total unconditional love. I've never experienced these types of things in my life, so how can God........... I try my hardest to show these things to my own kids so they never have to struggle in knowing what this all looks like. My prayer today is that I can see/feel/know/understand all these qualities from a God that I know through the bible loves me.

I had one of the best experiences at church last Friday, an experience that I hope that I will never forget. I'll start at the beginning.... Saturday we had a teen quiz scheduled about 2.5 hours away, so we decided just to have a sleepover at church so parents didn't have to come into town super early. There's only one boy in the team, my son, so he decided to sleep at home and come with his dad the next morning. So, I said I'd stay with the girls. Seven girls. Seven pre-teen and teen girls. Well, they practiced for the quiz until about 10, then they played around for quite awhile. I was able to get some work done, so I just let them run around and play around until 11:45. I decided that I should go down to the teen room and tell them to start getting calmed down and ready for bed. My hope was to at least get 6 hours of sleep. My hope. I opened the door to the teen room to witness all of the girls crying. Yep, who would figure? They seriously were just runni

“In the stillness, I will find you.” He whispers in my ear. I sit and listen, as I feel lost and lonely in this world. I yearn to know that He is with me, even through all the struggles, even when my heart is breaking.  I listen intently, I hear the birds chirping and the stillness. I see life all around me, from the green leaves to the beautifully blooming iris.  Peace comes over me, unexplainable peace. I want to wallow in its goodness, in the stillness. I feel the breeze different then before, more like my favorite blanket covering me up for a midday nap. God says, “I’ll always be with you.” I’m learning to listen. To listen intently to the voice of God. I’ve always wondered how others can “hear” Him so plainly. It took me taking out all the “noise” of this world to finally hear him.  Persevere. Never give up searching for the One who is always there.  This song  seems to fit my blog. Hope everyone is having a peace-filled day! https://www.youtube.com/watc

When your heart is breaking and you don't know where to turn..... Jesus says ..... Come to me ..... I know you are hurting Have you ever been so hurt? So heartbroken you just want to shut the world out? You don't feel like you can function normally? You are so far past gone you only see the "I can't's" in life. In every day motions? It's been a long week for me....and tonight I am feeling totally heartbroken. Like my heart is ripped out of my chest. It's due to my own stupid choices. I know this. I know it is not God's fault, but last weekend I drove around and talked to God for about 10 minutes. I yelled at him, asked him why I'm in this situation. Why I'm still facing the same problems over and over. I didn't get an answer, but I felt better for a little bit. So, now tonight, I have cried my heart out. I can't do anything else about it all except for to cry. I hate when I get to this point. I've been asked, "Ar