Doubt

It's 3 a.m.

I'm wide awake.

Again.

After the sermon yesterday I decided to kneel next to my bed and pray. I ask God to help me to stop doubting. There's not a specific thing so much that I doubt, I just doubt everything.

I doubt, sometimes, if God is real. Okay, before you freak out, I know logically he's real. I see Him in so many people's lives. I've seen Him act in my life before, by the way that things just "work" out. The only problem with that is that I try to logically figure it out. I try to put the pieces all together, even when the only explanation is "that was God."

I doubt my relationships with others. This might align with the whole jealousy thing, or it might align with my overthinking. I'm not good at relationships. I'm good on the surface, for the most part, but actual relationships, I question, a lot! From, did I say the wrong thing to I wonder why they are mad at me. (When they might not have had a chance to say hi.) The other day I received this random text from a friend that I was really struggling with, because I was pretty sure I had done something wrong because she hadn't really talked to me. Anyways, in this text she apologized for exactly that. There was no explanation as to why she decided to do that, trust me I've been trying to figure it out. But for a few weeks I've been really struggling over it. Did God do that? Did He lay it on her heart to text me that? Is that my problem with relationships, in that I'm not giving them to God? That I'm still trying to do it All on my own....................................more then likely. :(

I doubt my own ability. When I look at this statement it kind of hits me----- I doubt my OWN ability. There's the problem. It's my own ability, I'm trying to take control......again.......My ability or whatever you want to call it must be in Christ Jesus. Wow! Pretty sure that I've heard that before.

I doubt that God is with me & that He loves me. Logically - I know He is. Well, maybe --- & there's the doubt. God is so big and I am so small, what difference do I make?

I doubt every thing that I do. I second guess every decision that I make. Then, when I make a decision I overthink that decision until it makes me sick. Why???????????? Let me guess........... I didn't give it to God.

Looking at this list makes me feel horrible. Why would I doubt anything in God? Why would I think there could be any other explanation for the fact that over a year ago my family was about to fall apart? I was living with my husband not as a wife, but as a room mate. Over a year ago I was headed to Hell. I was living a horrible life. Nothing I would ever want my kids to see or live. Why am I doubting God? If God didn't exist and He didn't love me would I have had the strength or desire to change anything?

Sunday was an interesting day. We had a sermon about praying and actually meaning it. Not just saying the words, but actually meaning the words. I have a huge problem with this. I can say/type a bunch of words, BUT putting them into action and meaning them I struggle at. Probably because I know it's the right thing to do, but.............

During our small group the Pastor had all the chairs put up next to the altar. He talked about that we have to make prayer a priority. We went over Matthew 6 where Jesus talks about prayer and "when" we do it what it's supposed to look like. We also talked more about carrying each other's burdens. He was trying to get us to open up and talk more about what we need prayer for. Do you think I could open up? You guessed it, ABSOLUTELY NOT! There are so many things that I could use prayer for, but I don't want people to know that side of me. I don't want others to know me that intimately. Can't we just have a superficial relationship? I have enough close friends, right?  I don't want people to know how much I struggle to get through the day some days. Other people are more important then me, I can carry there burdens, I can pray for them. They don't need to pray for me. Why waste their time? I am never going to change.

There it is................I AM never going to change. NEVER. Why? Because I'm still trying to do this all on my own, doubting GOD! Wow!

So, this week I need to see God at work. It's pretty easy to see me find Him in other's lives, this week I need to see Him in my life. I need to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me and that He is walking beside me. There has been so many times in my life that I was pretty sure that He abandoned me. I don't ever want to think that again. I want to be close to God and know that I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to ask a favor, if you have seen God work in your life could you comment below and tell me how? Also, if you need prayer for anything, leave a comment. Maybe that's how my faith will grow is by seeing how He works in other's lives. I don't know.

I am praying this week that my doubt will be resolved, or even better. I hope that these words don't confuse you. I hope that I'm not the only one that struggles with this.