BeautifullyBroken

Today was a rough day, for a variety of reasons, but still rough. My mind goes 100 M.P.H. all the time, rambling about one thing or another. Tonight, when everything was quiet I decided to read another chapter in my book Mended. The chapter was called Ransomed. The first page hit home with me today. It talks about how everyone has regrets, something in their life that they would like to have do over on. Yes, I have lots, but mostly one huge regret! A relationship that should have never started.  That decision that I made for many years still haunts me and I’m having a heck of a time moving on. The book talks about how Christ now sees me as pure. I’ve asked for forgiveness and he sees me as “pure and clean, ransomed through the blood of Christ.” This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, but sometime I think I need to be smacked over the head with things! Ha-ha. The chapter says, “Part of moving forward is always letting go of what has held us back.” I know that I need to pray

Dwelling, Worrying, Overthinking Those three words pretty much sum up my life. This is what I do. I worry about the simplest of things. I worry about things that I can’t control. I worry about things I can control. I worry that some of my nightmares may come true. I worry on if I’ll be able to handle what happens in my life. I worry about my kids, how they grow up, am I doing right by them? My life is full of worry moments…… The bible says in Matthew 6:33-34; But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34, Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I know I need to embrace this. How do I do that when this has been part of my personality for so long. I mean, I worry about things that happened ten years ago. Did I say the right thing? Could I have handled that differently? Why did I do that? Okay, lots of prayers. Right now, I’m also worried tha

November 26, 2014 What a day! Wait, maybe it’s just been this whole week?!  There’s an emotional roller coaster going on inside me. Holidays usually bring a ton of feelings on me all at once. My family is one of great turmoil. Being the oldest, I feel like it’s my job to try to keep the peace and make everyone happy. I have had the responsibility of my younger brother and sisters for many years. One of my siblings refuses to speak to our mother, and really has nothing to do with other family members, except me.  Well, I wanted to try to have everyone together for Thanksgiving. Much to say my feelings got hurt along with one of my sisters’ feelings. It ended the day in tears for me, where I locked myself in my room, went to bed crying. It was brought to my attention, by doing that that I let the devil win. I should have used that opportunity to praise God, and Thank Him for giving me another day to breathe, for giving me another day with my kids. Instead I should have focused m

As I was listening to iHeart radio today, I heard a new song, Lead me to the Cross by Hillsong. After I heard it once I looked it up on youtube.com so I could see the lyrics while I heard it again. This song spoke plain as day to me! I’m always amazed at how things will almost “speak” to me now. One line says, “Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost.” Okay, I may be way off, but for my life, I can/will take this as, those things that I thought were so important in my life, previous relationships, are no longer important to me, they need to be lost and should be lost, if I want him to, “Lead me to the Cross.” The start of the chorus is “Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out.” That first day, when I was called to the altar, He poured His love out on me. That was sometime in September. In between then and now, I don’t think I completely understand how this all works. I’m still trying to decipher it. It’s almost like a code. Just like what I’ve said about

1 Corinthians 10:13        No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can endure it. This verse has been on my mind for quite a while now. It’s probably because one night it really hit home for me. I made a stupid mistake and didn’t take my way out. The devil caught me, grabbed a hold, leading me to some stupid mistakes. Because, I’m the way I am, I tend to dwell on these mistakes. Again, the devil. I have an addictive personality, according to my best friend. This is a huge problem for me. Basically, if something feels good, I am addicted to it. For instance, Cherry Pepsi! I love Wild Cherry Pepsi. I was addicted to it. I usually only had one bottle a day, but it was nothing for me. The taste was so awesome; I felt it helped me through everything, from a rough morning, to just keeping me awake in the afternoon. We

Brokenness The point where you feel like you can’t go on. The point where you feel like you have no choices. The point where you feel so alone. The point where you feel like you can’t win. The point where you feel like everyone is against you. Until you come to a point that the only thing that you can do is To turn to God! The only thing you can do is Pray. The only thing you can do is yell out, Jesus help me! I woke up this morning having a bad dream. There was person in there that hasn’t been on my mind too much lately. But I woke up missing him more than ever. I miss his embrace. I just want to hug him. I was about in tears. This feeling of not ever being able to embrace him like that is part of my brokenness.  I miss him so much. I miss his sense of humor. I miss the way he used to look at me. I’m angry with myself because I shouldn’t be missing him. As I’m lying there I think about things that have happened in the past, the good times w

November 16, 2014 Today we listened to a pastor speak at our revival service. What a great message! “Have you had your burning bush experience?” Why, yes, yes I have. God has brought me from a marriage that was full of adultery, from both my husband and I, to a place where we are ready to live our life for Jesus. It’s kind of a long story as to how and why we got to the point that we were at. But today, I’m going to focus on the burning bush part of it. So as I was listening to him talk this morning about the burning bush, I thought when did I actually have that experience? My “coming to Jesus” and my husbands’ seem to have happened very differently. I know that his was almost instantaneously. He went to the altar completely broken, asked for forgiveness and changed his life almost immediately. While he was dealing with all of that, I was busy dealing with my own issues. I wonder how many times God has shook his head and said, “Girl, what are you thinking?” Ok, so back to th

November 18, 2014 Choices! This is the word that I woke up with today. At every hour, every minute, every second you have a choice to make. Whether it’s what to cook for supper or what attitude am I going to take regarding this situation. I've been made aware that I have the choice when it comes to how I deal with situations. I can choose to let the devil suck me in and dwell on silly things, or I can confront them, in a good manner and be Christ like in deal with the situation. Now looking over this it might leave you confused. Recently, I was very angry with my husband for choices he made with our money.  Basically, I thought that he wasn't following the plan that we (during counseling) had decided to take. So what to do……..well, of course, I texted my best friend. What do you think she said, “You have a choice!” What?  I don’t understand. Okay, well, I did. But she explained it well. “You are letting your emotions about a situation with Chris impact your decision ab