Lead Me to the Cross

As I was listening to iHeart radio today, I heard a new song, Lead me to the Cross by Hillsong. After I heard it once I looked it up on youtube.com so I could see the lyrics while I heard it again. This song spoke plain as day to me! I’m always amazed at how things will almost “speak” to me now.

One line says, “Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost.” Okay, I may be way off, but for my life, I can/will take this as, those things that I thought were so important in my life, previous relationships, are no longer important to me, they need to be lost and should be lost, if I want him to, “Lead me to the Cross.”

The start of the chorus is “Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out.” That first day, when I was called to the altar, He poured His love out on me. That was sometime in September. In between then and now, I don’t think I completely understand how this all works. I’m still trying to decipher it. It’s almost like a code. Just like what I’ve said about relating parts in the bible to my life.

After all the wrong that I have done, HOW can he still want to Love me!? Okay, back up. Maybe if I look at it from a parent’s view. If one of own kids were to do something wrong, am I going to stop loving them? NO. I will “pour” my love on them, trying to help them out of that situation or trying to comfort them. Okay, one part deciphered. Sorry if this is confusing, this is how my mind works. Ha-ha……and yet you’re still reading, right?

Okay, next line, “Bring me to my knees.” Wow! I was definitely brought to my knees. Since that first time in September, I have been brought to my knees more often then I want to mention. What can I say; I’m a work in progress. I’m 100% sure that He knew what he was doing all along. He knew that very first day we walked into that church what was going to happen. He knew that we needed help! He knew that was the perfect place for us to receive that help! He knew that I would have a new friend to confide my deepest, darkest secret to……and that she would be my Pastor’s wife! That’s right, you heard me right, I told my secret to the Pastor’s wife! Who does that? I was yelling out for help at that point!

He knew that two Sundays into us attending Sunday school, our lesson would be about the 7^th commandment! That’s right, the one that says, “Thou shall not commit adultery.” That was a painful thing to sit through and listen. I was feeling so convicted!!! (At the time, I didn’t know this.) I was shaking, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t look directly at the Pastor, and I wanted to run! I also did not know that my husband was feeling the same thing! (Another thing I didn’t know, but He knew.)

Okay, awkward moment over with, we go on into church. I could not even tell you to this day what the church sermon was about, I wouldn’t even look up, I was still shaking. Even thinking about this day makes me cry. All I remember during the service is being “called” to the altar. I felt like at that point there was no turning back. I didn’t even look up; I almost sprinted up there, fell to my knees and sobbed. I sobbed so much it hurt. I felt my Pastor’s wife come down and console me. I felt her praying for me. I heard my Pastor almost start crying as he asked the congregation to keep singing, or for the music to keep playing. I just kept saying in my head “Lord, I am so sorry. Please, please forgive me.”

I did look over at one point and see my husband and I thought to myself, “What is he doing up here?” After the church service was over I found out. He had his own sin that had to be shared, much to say, even the same commandment that I broke. How was I to handle this? I thought I had it all planned out, forgetting that I’m not the planner.

Sorry, that kind of took a different spin, back to the song.

“Rid me of myself, I belong to you.” I need to remember this every day, every hour, every minute. The old self that I had a few short months ago is gone. I am so different. I still have problems dealing with life situations. I cry at the drop of a dime. I sometimes don’t know what to do with what would have been a “runaway” situation for me a few months ago. I have a great support system now though. I have people in my life that help me to focus on what is important. People that don’t let me runaway. People that pray for me. People that truly care. Most importantly, I have God on my side.

Why do these things take me so long to figure out? I’m not sure. Sometimes, I’m typing, and I just think, did I really just type that? I’m sitting here right now and shaking my head at my own thoughts.

Dear Lord, Thank You for starting to help me to see things a little more clearly. Amen.