BeautifullyBroken

There has been something on my mind for a few days now. My pastor actually brought up a point that scares the crap out of me. Didn't even realize it until he said it and my reaction was a sign that I might have a problem with it. We were talking about my marriage and how I had to accept that fact that I might "need" my husband. You see, this scares the crap out of me, for many reasons. The first one is I have done this (being a mom, wife, etc.) pretty much on my own for most of our marriage (almost 18 years). The second reason is, last time I "needed" him he let me down. I don't want to go through that hurt again!! I've been let down by so many people in my life, which in turn has me basically putting up a barrier for others to have to try to cross.  The definition of need is, requires (something) because it is essential or very important. Like water, food, sleep (which is lacking currently) but my husband? Okay, I guess I could put him under the "

Did you ever wonder to yourself, "how did I get here?" How did I get to this point of ...........(insert whatever it is you are dealing with.) For me, it's been different things all the time. Most recently, "How did I get to this point of shutting down again?" Shutting down is something I struggle with a lot! I start shutting people out and burying my emotions. When this happens, it's so hard for me to come out of it, or to stop myself from going further into shut down mode. I can't convince myself to stop, to get out of it. I lose every mind set that I know would help. Like, praying, reading my bible, talking to my husband, talking to my friends. I just shut down. I get so frustrated with myself. This time my shut down lasted over 2 days. I don't initially what started it this time, but I had plenty of things to keep me in it. I started obsessing about things that my husband was doing "wrong," instead of being concerned about what he was

Okay, after being asked a couple days ago if I had thought about my future and what I want in the future, it's been on my mind, a lot!!! So, to be perfectly honest, I don't look too far in the future. I live for now. Not because the future scares me or anything of the sorts, but I just don't want to think about it. Unfortunately it's in my head and I know it's going to continue being in my head until I get it out. Okay, options; 1. Write a book. A children's book or an adult book. The adult book would be geared mostly towards writing about my marriage. (Haven't really thought about how I would do that, considering I still don't really want to talk about it.) Not really sure if anyone would read it, why mess with it? 2. Raise my kids into God - loving, caring adults. Okay, that's all I got. Why do I have a problem with goal setting?

The image above has been on my mind all week! I created it one night after laying awake thinking about how to make it for 3 hours. This has been evident in my life so much in this last few months. God knew when we needed to walk into our new home church. He knew when we needed to hear that we broke one of his Ten Commandments and what that meant in our marriage. He knew that our marriage was going to have to break before being put back together, and he knew the day that it was all going to happen. He knows all these things and has the timing worked out so that we may turn to him at those moments.  I have seen so many examples of God's Timing in my life and the lives of others and I know I'll see more! 

There are many ways to get a broken heart. A few of the many I have had over my lifetime; loss of a loved one, loss of great friends, loss of a significant other, loss of my marriage. Two things I want to clarify, the loss of my significant other was not what you think it was. He didn’t actually die, but if I didn’t “pretend” that he was dead, then the loss of my marriage was going to be permanent. I hope that clears that up. I was thinking tonight about how humans do get over a broken heart. I started looking back on how far I have come in my journey with God. If it wasn’t for God’s grace, I would still be completely broken. Yes, there are times that I still feel like that, but it’s not nearly as severe as it was just a few short months ago. It’s taken lots of prayers, not only from me, but others that are close to me. I know and have faith that prayer works. Every once in a while, I’ll get stuck on an emotion from my past and let it overtake me. I’ve been trying to get bette

I have vowed that I am going to look at the bright side of things. I have got to stay more positive and be more thankful for what I have. God blessed me with so much, and my hope is that if I focus on what He has blessed me with, when things do go wrong, it won't be that big of a deal. This is a short list, and trust me there is so much more, but these were on my mind today. 1. Did you wake up breathing today? Consider yourself blessed. 2. Can you pay your bills? I know sometimes money is tight, but eventually we do get there. We have been a lot better since starting the Dave Ramsey course. But, I can afford to feed my kids. I can afford to keep my lights on. When money gets tight, I have to remember, God will provide. 3. Do you have people in your life that will support you? There has been times in my life I would say no. But I can honestly say right now that I am beyond blessed in this area. When I started church again a few months ago I gained one of the best friends that

Just now, I told my Pastor that I would sing a special. What am I thinking!!! I have absolutely no clue. I am so scared. This is so unlike me! I am not a confident person. Which is why I started this blog, I wanted to share some of the things I've went through, but yet, withhold my identity.  I know that this is something I need to do. God has put it on my heart to do this. Otherwise, I wouldn't be thinking about it so much, right? Maybe by focusing on this I can take my focus off of other things in my life! I'm going to sing Lead Me To the Cross. I love the words of that song. I need to focus on that. So, now I have weeks to get even more nervous then what I am, and all I did was tell him. Yikes! I have to get over my fear! I have to move on to the new me!

Over 3 months ago, my marriage completely fell apart. With the help of God and some great friends I feel like we are finally on the road to recovery. Now, our relationship is the best it’s ever been. Even with my down days, I have to remember how much better it is. I have to give him credit for the following 10 things that he has done and continues to do daily. I will stop looking at what our relationship had been, and look forward to what it's going to be. Saying “I love you so much!” Everyone says I love you, but adding so much means more! Especially from where we were at 3 months ago. Telling me that I’m beautiful. Even though I disagree with this comment, I don’t ever want him to stop saying it. When ending a phone conversation, saying I love you. You never know when that last time might be, so this is important. Kissing me like he means it. I know how weird this sounds, but have you ever been kissed out of habit? It’s like a peck on the cheek from a close friend.

I have to stop worrying about the relationships that I can’t and won’t have . I miss that forbidden relationship so much. But the fact that it was forbidden should tell me something. It should have never started in the first place. I have a problem with the relationships in my life. Growing up I really didn’t have a great role model when it came to relationships. My parents divorced when I was about 5, so I don’t really remember how they dealt with disagreements. So that’s kind of a hard thing for me. As I grew up into a teenager I started to look elsewhere for role models. I had lots of people walk in and out of my life, but no great set of role models that I could always look to. The first serious relationship that I had, I clung onto for far too long. He actually paid attention to me, I was important to him, and I felt it. He always put me first, I had never had that, even from my parents. We were to be married, yes I understand this was a high school relationship, things nev