BeautifullyBroken

So, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about, so I'll just see where this goes. Our church is doing this daily reading program, trying to read the bible in a year. Well, much to say, I'm not fond of doing it, for many reasons. (I know, I really shouldn't be like that!) Well, tonight, I actually found myself reading ahead!!! It almost makes me smile in knowing why I did! There's even tears in my eyes knowing that God was talking to me tonight while I was reading. HE ACTUALLY CARES about me! (I'm still not sure why, I think, as tears roll down my face! I'm not deserving enough! But that's a conversation for another day!) We are in the book of Acts. It's talking about Paul. Okay, from what I know about Paul, he went through so much! He sinned, a lot! He hunted down Christians! Then God turned Paul around. In chapter 26, (One chapter farther then I was supposed to read tonight!) Paul talks about when/what Jesus told him to do, making him

Well, I almost hate to say this....because I'll probably come down later....but I've had a few good days in a row!! I'm worried because usually I can do this for awhile, but then I hit a wall, and everything comes crashing down on me. But I'm hoping that I'll "choose differently and think differently" when those walls start closing in on me. Towards the end of this week I woke up and decided that I was going to have a better day. So I wrote two things on my hand, "Think Differently and Focus on God." Ever since then I have kept writing those statements on my hand. Now, the focus on God part is pretty self-explanatory. The "Think differently" might require some explanation. My pastor told me this awhile ago and it didn't really stick with me until this week. Basically, the way I was thinking before I was saved, before I made the choice to become a follower of Christ was wrong. My focus was on myself and my own wants/desires. Now,

Grace   G od's R ighteous A rms C overing E verything What is Grace? What does it mean to be covered by God's grace? Do we earn it? Is it given freely? Can we rebuke it? Can we walk away? Why does He give it to us? Can we mess it up? Can God say, "No, more, you've messed up one too many times?" Does He give up on us? If so, when? Well, I wanted to know exactly what the definition of Grace was, so I asked my pastor, he responded with,  "Grace is being given something that you don't deserve. You can't earn it." Then continued on saying Grace means something different to everyone. So I started looking through the bible for what Grace means, with no luck! Everything I came across was just using grace in a sentence. Then I had another friend that said to imagine that the devil has chains on me that he is continually trying to pull. Each link in the chain represents something, and when it is broke that's grace. Grace being that God fre

When am I going to be happy and content with my life? Why do I have to over analyze things? Why does my mind always go 1,000 different directions all at once? Why do I always feel guilty about choices that I make? Why do I always second guess any decision that I make? Why do I feel like since I've been saved I've been doing everything all wrong? From the simplest decisions to those that affect not only my life but my kids. I've had this conversation with my pastor, I'll see if I can remember it and not mess it up too bad. Basically he says that I'm right, I had been doing things wrong. My direction before was focused generally on the here and now, not looking forward. Now that I'm saved my direction must first be to follow God. Basically everything must be cleared through Him. So, basically every decision that I make I must first pray about, thinking about God first. Sometimes I actually do feel content and happy, but it doesn't ever last for very long.

As I find myself looking at an e-mail that got sent to me and a few of the sentences are sticking out to me. It's well after midnight, and I can't help but dwell on those sentences. "God wants to change me and bless me." It's hard for my first response not to be "Why? Why does He care? What difference will it make? Why am I so important? Just let me stay in the background, where I've been my whole life!" WHY!!!!????? I'm struggling so much......................... Another sentence that stuck out to me out of that same e-mail was "It will take your complete surrender in His will to get there." (This followed first sentence!) What does that mean? Haven't I changed more then enough? Probably not. I suppose that there's going to be constant change. Great, just what makes me happy.........CHANGE!!! Seriously? So, the church is doing this daily reading challenge to read the bible in a year. We are in the book of Job. Job

If you know me, you know I am super scared of heights! So, I can't stand roller coasters. The speed doesn't bother me, because, I'm kind of a speed freak, but the height makes me want to puke! I've only been on one roller coaster in my life and that was at the age of 10. My dad forced me to go, boy did he regret that! I was so scared that I bit his shoulder! Haha! TAKE THAT!!! Anyways, back to where I was going with this, you know that feeling when you hit the low spot? You know that feeling that makes your stomach drop? Then you start slowly climbing the next hill and you hear the click-click-click of the gears on the coaster and your stomach starts to get a quesy feeling and you want to just jump off or yell STOP! I change my mind! Then all of  sudden it feels like the floor just dropped out from under you and you really want to puke!  I would have never thought that I could feel all of those feelings without actually being on a roller coaster! I have had a