Happy and Content, Will I ever get there?
When am I going to be happy and content with my life? Why do I have to over analyze things? Why does my mind always go 1,000 different directions all at once? Why do I always feel guilty about choices that I make? Why do I always second guess any decision that I make? Why do I feel like since I've been saved I've been doing everything all wrong? From the simplest decisions to those that affect not only my life but my kids.
I've had this conversation with my pastor, I'll see if I can remember it and not mess it up too bad. Basically he says that I'm right, I had been doing things wrong. My direction before was focused generally on the here and now, not looking forward. Now that I'm saved my direction must first be to follow God. Basically everything must be cleared through Him. So, basically every decision that I make I must first pray about, thinking about God first.
Sometimes I actually do feel content and happy, but it doesn't ever last for very long. Most times I feel this way when things are actually in my routine. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I am very, very routine oriented! NOT GOOD! I realize this about myself, change is not good on me! Probably why God keeps changing it up! Haha!
I wonder if I will ever be okay. Seems like I've spent so much of my life screwed up that this question almost haunts me. I know I'm starting to get better, but everything still frustrates me so much and takes me on this huge roller coaster ride that I can't seem to stop. Why do I have to make things so difficult. I really do want to be happy, I really do want to change. (Even though change SUCKS!)
Okay, if I look at the bright side of all of this maybe things will change. Last August, God started working and changing things in my life, in my husband's life and in my kid's lives. Ever since then I feel like I've not trusted Him enough, I know this is because I feel like I can't totally give Him everything. (I don't know why, or how, I guess.) Anyways, God has pushed me so much, pushed me in changing, pushed me to change my ways. There's the stupid word again, change! Ugh!!!!!
Okay, sorry, back to the positives. Shortly after starting church again both my husband and I were saved, confessing our sins and looking forward. We started marriage counseling, and started our relationship with God. We became members of our awesome church, we also both were baptized. I look at my husband and am amazed! If you ever doubt what God can do just look at him. I have witnessed my husband being transformed. Yes, he still has some stupid quirks that drive me crazy, but he is following God. My husband, who I never thought was possible is following God. On top of that, He's excited about it! He is absolutely trusting everything that God has brought him too. He is a God-fearing man.
As much as all of that can make me happy, it scares the crap out of me. I'm going to get in trouble for this, but basically, if my husband can trust God so fully, why can I not? Why do I feel stuck!? I know I'm not supposed to compare my walk with his walk, but it's so frustrating. Also, it's not only my husbands' walk I compare my spiritual journey too, but others within my church. Why can I not be like them?
I have this one friend that can find the bright side in just about everything. She makes me laugh because she always asks, "How was your week?" More times then not I usually say, "Uh, it was okay." She usually says something along the lines of "You woke up didn't you!" I just shake my head, "Yes, I guess."
Sometimes I feel like I need to change in the snap of a finger, because I'm breaking other's hearts. They want to see me happy and content, and I can't give them that. They have, for lack of a better term, devoted their life to trying to get me there. Without these people I don't know where I'd be. I know that they pray for me all the time, but I do feel like I've let them down.
Speaking of that, there's something else God has done for me, He has put such an awesome support system in my life! A support system of God-fearing men and women! Christ-centered relationships! I'm not sure I truly knew what that ever was. People have walked in and out of my life, these people that God has placed in my life, they aren't going anywhere. They love me for me. (Even though I don't believe it sometimes.)
Another thing that I should be ecstatic about is that God is hearing me, He is listening to me. Last week, I was very frustrated with God. I actually remember thinking, "Why pray? He doesn't listen to me anyways." One of my best friends had been having problems sleeping at night, she's pregnant and I knew how much she needed a good nights sleep. So I thought "Fine, I'll test God." So that night that's all I prayed for. "Please give my friend the best night of sleep!Let her get the rest she deserves!" That's it, that's all I requested. I honestly didn't think He cared enough to listen to me. But the next morning I asked her how she slept and she said that was the best night of sleep she had got in a while. I didn't even know what to say. I was in shock. I didn't tell her about this until a few nights later. She was touched that I used my "test" on her. God is listening. He does care. I just wish I could remember this all the time.
God was there! He is still here! I need to remember this. Maybe just remembering this fact will let me be happy and content.
I've had this conversation with my pastor, I'll see if I can remember it and not mess it up too bad. Basically he says that I'm right, I had been doing things wrong. My direction before was focused generally on the here and now, not looking forward. Now that I'm saved my direction must first be to follow God. Basically everything must be cleared through Him. So, basically every decision that I make I must first pray about, thinking about God first.
Sometimes I actually do feel content and happy, but it doesn't ever last for very long. Most times I feel this way when things are actually in my routine. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I am very, very routine oriented! NOT GOOD! I realize this about myself, change is not good on me! Probably why God keeps changing it up! Haha!
I wonder if I will ever be okay. Seems like I've spent so much of my life screwed up that this question almost haunts me. I know I'm starting to get better, but everything still frustrates me so much and takes me on this huge roller coaster ride that I can't seem to stop. Why do I have to make things so difficult. I really do want to be happy, I really do want to change. (Even though change SUCKS!)
Okay, if I look at the bright side of all of this maybe things will change. Last August, God started working and changing things in my life, in my husband's life and in my kid's lives. Ever since then I feel like I've not trusted Him enough, I know this is because I feel like I can't totally give Him everything. (I don't know why, or how, I guess.) Anyways, God has pushed me so much, pushed me in changing, pushed me to change my ways. There's the stupid word again, change! Ugh!!!!!
Okay, sorry, back to the positives. Shortly after starting church again both my husband and I were saved, confessing our sins and looking forward. We started marriage counseling, and started our relationship with God. We became members of our awesome church, we also both were baptized. I look at my husband and am amazed! If you ever doubt what God can do just look at him. I have witnessed my husband being transformed. Yes, he still has some stupid quirks that drive me crazy, but he is following God. My husband, who I never thought was possible is following God. On top of that, He's excited about it! He is absolutely trusting everything that God has brought him too. He is a God-fearing man.
As much as all of that can make me happy, it scares the crap out of me. I'm going to get in trouble for this, but basically, if my husband can trust God so fully, why can I not? Why do I feel stuck!? I know I'm not supposed to compare my walk with his walk, but it's so frustrating. Also, it's not only my husbands' walk I compare my spiritual journey too, but others within my church. Why can I not be like them?
I have this one friend that can find the bright side in just about everything. She makes me laugh because she always asks, "How was your week?" More times then not I usually say, "Uh, it was okay." She usually says something along the lines of "You woke up didn't you!" I just shake my head, "Yes, I guess."
Sometimes I feel like I need to change in the snap of a finger, because I'm breaking other's hearts. They want to see me happy and content, and I can't give them that. They have, for lack of a better term, devoted their life to trying to get me there. Without these people I don't know where I'd be. I know that they pray for me all the time, but I do feel like I've let them down.
Speaking of that, there's something else God has done for me, He has put such an awesome support system in my life! A support system of God-fearing men and women! Christ-centered relationships! I'm not sure I truly knew what that ever was. People have walked in and out of my life, these people that God has placed in my life, they aren't going anywhere. They love me for me. (Even though I don't believe it sometimes.)
Another thing that I should be ecstatic about is that God is hearing me, He is listening to me. Last week, I was very frustrated with God. I actually remember thinking, "Why pray? He doesn't listen to me anyways." One of my best friends had been having problems sleeping at night, she's pregnant and I knew how much she needed a good nights sleep. So I thought "Fine, I'll test God." So that night that's all I prayed for. "Please give my friend the best night of sleep!Let her get the rest she deserves!" That's it, that's all I requested. I honestly didn't think He cared enough to listen to me. But the next morning I asked her how she slept and she said that was the best night of sleep she had got in a while. I didn't even know what to say. I was in shock. I didn't tell her about this until a few nights later. She was touched that I used my "test" on her. God is listening. He does care. I just wish I could remember this all the time.
God was there! He is still here! I need to remember this. Maybe just remembering this fact will let me be happy and content.
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