BeautifullyBroken

                                         This is the testimony that I gave at my baptism yesterday: As many of you know, this has been a stressful, emotional last  7 months. My marriage basically fell apart right before many of your eyes, only to be brought together right before many of your eyes. I have struggled, I have failed, I have completely fell apart more then once. I have struggled with letting go of control, letting Jesus have that control, giving it all to God. From the hurt, the pain, past regrets, everything. Over this last week I have felt God more in my life then I think I've ever felt Him. He has pushed me more then once to come to Him at the altar, each time getting a little closer, a little closer to giving it all to Him. Friday Night, God was calling me,  I have absolutely no doubts on that. He showed himself to me so many times that night, not once ...

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy,  to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. (2) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be to test what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will. If I never thought that God was moving in my life, this is the week I have been proved WRONG. Last Sunday, I woke up knowing something was off. (That's the only way to explain it.) Things that I had been thinking about were really heavy on my heart. "Was I submitting to God? What do I need to do? Are you listening to Him?" I went through church hardly talking or looking at anyone for fear of breaking down emotionally.I went to the altar and wept, and wept, uncontrollably. I cried for Him to forgive me for not letting go, for not submitting to His will.  Later, I come to find out, that was ...

Do you ever look back and think, Why? What was I thinking? How could I have done that? Well, today I was on a trip with a good friend and she said something and all of a sudden, something that my Pastor has been saying for a while finally clicked. (Sometimes it takes a while for that to happen, and sometimes I have to hear it a lot. This was a great example of that.) I realized that the person that I had cheated on my husband with was a manipulator. Now, don't get me wrong, I had a lot to do with the affair. But, our relationship lasted off and on for over 20 years. He knew me better then I knew myself. He knew how to get what he wanted and to make me feel good about it. The question is, why did I wait until now to see it. I have a husband that loves me, that would never manipulate me, especially after all we've been through over these last months. He has changed. He is a new creation. But why can't I open up to him? Why am I scared to? Why have I closed myself off to h...

This is a constant struggle for me. I can let my emotions get the best of me and completely ruin my life for days, I know what I need to do to stop it. I've heard it so many times, that it should be imprinted in my brain. But, unfortunately, I don't feel like it's in my heart to do it. How do I stop this incessant need to always see the bad in everything? How can I get back to what I need to be doing? What's it going to take to get me through? Yep, I know...........give up control and give it to God!!!  It's going to get better? It's going to get easier? Right? 

The struggle that goes on inside my own head is so hard to fight against. I don't know which way to turn, I struggle with wanting to run away...... a lot....I'm trying to convince myself that it's going to get better. I just have to remember to stop and pray. I have to fight! I have to not let the devil win! Just get through this moment.........

Have you ever had one of those mornings that you wake up and you know that the Holy Spirit is working on you? That is  how I started off today. So, I wrote a song......trust me....not a very good one. I knew something was off, so I just wrote down what was going on in my mind. It talked about running away from God. This should have been my first hint that the Holy Spirit was really working on me today!  I have been struggling and worrying, and struggling some more with this whole submitting to God for quite awhile now. I want it all to be laid out for me instead of taking it one moment at a time. I want there to be clear cut directions or steps. This is what you need to do now......followed by.......... Okay, I know that's not how it works, but that's the way it should be. I have to remember, one moment at a time. I have to ask myself, "What does God what me to do in this situation?" Anyway, back to my morning. Almost as soon as I walk in the door of the churc...

I have a lot on my mind this week. It all started with the sermon that I listened to on Sunday. The Pastor talked about how deep we are in the water. Are we high enough in the water that we are totally letting God control every move in our lives? Or, are we only ankle deep in the water and go into and out of the water under our own control. This has been a huge struggle for me over this last few months. My Pastor pointed it out pretty clear to me when he pointed out that I am smart and know what to say and when to say it, but he could plainly see that I wasn't submitting fully to God. Back to my previous post, "Why is it so hard to submit fully to God?" Another question, "What do I need to do to fully submit to God?" OH, here's another one, "How do I know I've fully submitted to God?" (I know how I haven't submitted to Him.) Is the answer to all of these questions as simple as Read & Pray? Maybe? I don't know. Sunday, the day tha...