One of those mornings........
Have you ever had one of those mornings that you wake up and you know that the Holy Spirit is working on you? That is how I started off today.
So, I wrote a song......trust me....not a very good one. I knew something was off, so I just wrote down what was going on in my mind. It talked about running away from God. This should have been my first hint that the Holy Spirit was really working on me today!
I have been struggling and worrying, and struggling some more with this whole submitting to God for quite awhile now. I want it all to be laid out for me instead of taking it one moment at a time. I want there to be clear cut directions or steps.
This is what you need to do now......followed by.......... Okay, I know that's not how it works, but that's the way it should be. I have to remember, one moment at a time. I have to ask myself, "What does God what me to do in this situation?"
Anyway, back to my morning. Almost as soon as I walk in the door of the church I start this over-analyzing (for lack of better terms) of submitting to God. What does it look like? How am I going to know? I sit through Sunday School fighting back tears and think that everything that my Pastor is saying is related to exactly what I needed to hear! How does that work? He had a discussion planned from Exodus and the story of Moses, but he let the discussion take itself into what I needed to hear! Amazing!!!!!
So, then we get into church, I am continually fighting back the tears. I wanted to just break down up on stage while singing. I really wanted to run out the door, crawl back into my bed and let the tears come. But, that wasn't God's plan...................... So, I make it through singing........sit back down........and the tears come......I can't let anyone see.....blink faster.......they'll go away.......stop sniffling.....your husband is going to find out...........stop being a bother to other people......suck it up.....you're fine...........CRAP!..........stop staring at the altar.........GO!!!!!........Stop beating yourself up.......RUN....... GO to the altar.......NOW!!!!
I do remember hearing the sermon, I remember hearing bits and pieces that had to do with what I was emotionally tearing myself up with. But when I finally made it to the altar I couldn't stop the crying.......still now I'm struggling with the crying......Have I ever mentioned I am NOT a cryer? I absolutely HATE crying.....probably because I was never allowed to..............and when I do I can't recover for a good day or more.....
I love my church family, up there at the altar I immediately feel people at my side.......Yes, this makes the tears worse! My Pastor prayed for me, I prayed with him, then he prayed for me again. I was so overwhelmed with emotion............. I have to GIVE UP CONTROL......I absolutely could not control my tears.....and it hurt to even try......Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it, over analyzing it, give it to God and ask what I need to do in the moment. Easier said then done, right? That's what I always say, but that has to change, it has to.........Just do it!
I've heard others talk about how they have had someone in their life that was saved and you knew immediately that they were because everything about them changed, their whole demeanor. Have I changed? Do people look at me and see that I'm living my life for Jesus? I'm not sure, so I'm guessing this needs to change........
So, I wrote a song......trust me....not a very good one. I knew something was off, so I just wrote down what was going on in my mind. It talked about running away from God. This should have been my first hint that the Holy Spirit was really working on me today!
I have been struggling and worrying, and struggling some more with this whole submitting to God for quite awhile now. I want it all to be laid out for me instead of taking it one moment at a time. I want there to be clear cut directions or steps.
This is what you need to do now......followed by.......... Okay, I know that's not how it works, but that's the way it should be. I have to remember, one moment at a time. I have to ask myself, "What does God what me to do in this situation?"
Anyway, back to my morning. Almost as soon as I walk in the door of the church I start this over-analyzing (for lack of better terms) of submitting to God. What does it look like? How am I going to know? I sit through Sunday School fighting back tears and think that everything that my Pastor is saying is related to exactly what I needed to hear! How does that work? He had a discussion planned from Exodus and the story of Moses, but he let the discussion take itself into what I needed to hear! Amazing!!!!!
So, then we get into church, I am continually fighting back the tears. I wanted to just break down up on stage while singing. I really wanted to run out the door, crawl back into my bed and let the tears come. But, that wasn't God's plan...................... So, I make it through singing........sit back down........and the tears come......I can't let anyone see.....blink faster.......they'll go away.......stop sniffling.....your husband is going to find out...........stop being a bother to other people......suck it up.....you're fine...........CRAP!..........stop staring at the altar.........GO!!!!!........Stop beating yourself up.......RUN....... GO to the altar.......NOW!!!!
I do remember hearing the sermon, I remember hearing bits and pieces that had to do with what I was emotionally tearing myself up with. But when I finally made it to the altar I couldn't stop the crying.......still now I'm struggling with the crying......Have I ever mentioned I am NOT a cryer? I absolutely HATE crying.....probably because I was never allowed to..............and when I do I can't recover for a good day or more.....
I love my church family, up there at the altar I immediately feel people at my side.......Yes, this makes the tears worse! My Pastor prayed for me, I prayed with him, then he prayed for me again. I was so overwhelmed with emotion............. I have to GIVE UP CONTROL......I absolutely could not control my tears.....and it hurt to even try......Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it, over analyzing it, give it to God and ask what I need to do in the moment. Easier said then done, right? That's what I always say, but that has to change, it has to.........Just do it!
I've heard others talk about how they have had someone in their life that was saved and you knew immediately that they were because everything about them changed, their whole demeanor. Have I changed? Do people look at me and see that I'm living my life for Jesus? I'm not sure, so I'm guessing this needs to change........
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