Past Hurt.........

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My philosophy has always been I wouldn't change how I grew up for anything, it made me the person I am today. Sometimes with not the best characteristics, like I might possibly be the most stubborn person in the world, and I tend to over think and worry about silly things. But it also made me patient, understanding of others problems, and sympathetic.

This morning I woke up thinking about my past and how I was raised. I for the most part raised my brother and sisters. My mom and step-dad worked nights, so I was responsible for my siblings that are 10+ years younger then me. I also went through some emotional and physical abuse. (I handled the physical abuse, the emotional abuse is another story. Maybe I'll go into that in a different blog) Right now I just wanted to address the hurt that came along with all of that.

I didn't feel like I was loved. (Wow, there it is, I said it.) So the first person that came along that I felt truly "loved" me I clung onto for dear life!!! I was not loved by my mother, my dad was hit or miss, my step-dad definitely Not! So this relationship that I felt loved in consumed my life, not only as a teenager, but for more then 20 years. Even if he wasn't around, my thoughts were on and with him. My husband couldn't hold up to what I thought was the perfect relationship. Looking back I can see this. It's still hard now, even though I can see it clearer. There are times though that I catch myself falling into that same pattern of thinking. For instance, when I get upset or mad about anything, I want to call him up. Why? Well, he was the one person that I could yell at or get upset with and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would still be there in the end. That he would hug me and tell me it was all going to work out.  I have this anxiety of making people mad and pushing them away, but with him I knew that wasn't the case. I miss that relationship. Do I miss him or do I miss the relationship? Good question!!! This might change day to day.

In order to move on from the hurt that he has caused me I've got to remember how many bad qualities he had.....................untrustworthy, untrustworthy, untrustworthy......but he loved me............which at that point tended to override anything. Now I have to focus on that untrustworthy aspect, because I don't want that/him seeping back into my life. God doesn't want that for me. I don't want that for me.

Isiah 43:18 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

Seems simple enough? Right? Oh boy..................what a struggle.

Dear Lord, Please help me to not look backwards but continue on my journey ahead! Amen

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