Show Me My Direction

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  As I sat and listened to the sermon this morning, I had many things running through my mind. One was the huge set back I had on Thursday and how I handled that. I am still beating myself up for not handling that better, for not listening to God, for not turning to Him. This kind of is something that has a lot to do with today's sermon, well, maybe. I feel like what I did on Thursday was to deny Christ. I completely let everything take over and did not do what I thought I had tried to train myself to do. Did I pick up my bible and read? NO! Did I pray? NO! Did I write? NO! I wondered what God was thinking at that time, "Who can I get to smack her upside the head?" Haha. Well, in one way or another, I kind of did get that, just not physically. Thank you Lord for the new people that You have put in my life!!! It's almost like a two for one deal. He replaced the one person that was taking me on a path straight to Hell with two Godly, awesome people! I couldn't have asked for better friends who have bent over backwards to help me with my relationship with God and my relationship with  my husband. WOW! THANK YOU!

   Another thing that was on my mind was something that's been on my mind a lot lately. What is my calling? What does God want me to do with my life? Am I doing that? Is there something more? Am I supposed to write, keep writing? What "gifts" do I have that I can use for his purpose. Am I supposed to share more about what I've been through. But then on the other hand, sharing what I've been through means that I would have to be answer, "How has God helped me to get over this obstacle that I put into my life? This obstacle I allowed to consume my life for such a long period? This obstacle that I still fight!" I don't think that I know the answer to these questions. Well, I know some, but are they right?  So, maybe I'm not supposed to do this. Yes, I know I'm probably over analyzing again.

     I also started worrying, over thinking, "has God talked to me yet?" I don't know, actually I'm pretty sure No. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has talked to my husband. I kind of blame myself for this, how can He talk to you if you keep turning away from Him?

    Okay last thing for the day, do I love God more than anything or anyone else?  I know this week, when I back tracked, I completely back tracked. I stopped reading, I stopped praying as much, I ran away in a sense, instead of sticking around and fighting the battle within myself, I checked out and let my feelings win! I totally LOST my way! But, the only person I have to blame is myself.

   I know there's a lot of things here for me to think about, and even to pray about, maybe you are worried about some of the same things? All I know is that I will move FORWARD! Towards God, not away! I'm still going to mess up, but I will find a way to learn from it. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves ME! Jesus LOVES ME! JESUS LOVES ME! I hope that  these words find you. I have tears in my eyes as I type them. WHY? Because I do still struggle in believing that after everything I have done to Him, that Jesus still loves me. THANK YOU LORD!

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