Do Not Conform.......but be Transformed!

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy,  to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. (2) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be to test what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

If I never thought that God was moving in my life, this is the week I have been proved WRONG. Last Sunday, I woke up knowing something was off. (That's the only way to explain it.) Things that I had been thinking about were really heavy on my heart. "Was I submitting to God? What do I need to do? Are you listening to Him?" I went through church hardly talking or looking at anyone for fear of breaking down emotionally.I went to the altar and wept, and wept, uncontrollably. I cried for Him to forgive me for not letting go, for not submitting to His will.  Later, I come to find out, that was the Holy Spirit, working on me, pushing me, saying, "Let Go!" It was God saying, "Jump into the water, I've got you." I left church still feeling, well, like something was off. I went through the week, not having the best of weeks. Why? Because I still wasn't submitting. I over thought everything. I was still trying to "figure" it all out. I struggled. Big Time!

Then, last night, we went to a different church to see an Easter Drama. I went in with a mindset that I was not going to go to the altar. I was there to see the Easter story, what would it have to do with me and my situation. It was pure entertainment and a fun night out, that was my thought. Boy, was I WRONG! Again, God had a different plan. Almost from the get go there were lines that were directed right at me! All I could think is, "Are you kidding me?" I started crying not even 10 minutes in! "What is wrong with me? Why can't I control this crying?"

At the end of this drama the Pastor came up to make an altar call. As soon as he started talking I knew he was talking to me! "How could he know?" He talked about hurt from the past, being abused, mistreated, to come and put the hurt, pain, at the altar, and leave it there! I kept control, still crying, but still planted in my seat. He kept talking, "I know there is someone here that I'm talking to, " he says, even as others are coming up. Then here's the kicker, he says that Romans 12:1-2 came to his mind! WHAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Immediately, I looked down at my Pastor, thinking, "You told him!" I knew that wasn't the case, but how else could this be explained? You see, this whole week he has been trying to get me to memorize it, think about it and live it. I was in shock! Of course, then the tears really started. I didn't know what to do. Well, I take that back, I knew what to do, but I still stood firmly, even with the tears coming. I was still in control! The Pastor said, "People have told you your whole life, you aren't worth anything, you'll never amount to anything. They are wrong!" It was like he knew everything from my past. I kept shaking my head, trying to wrap my thoughts around it all. The Pastor kept talking, willing me to come forward, "You are scared to come out, to go through the crowd, yet Jesus carried His cross through the crowd with people yelling, making fun of Him, spitting at Him, and YOU can't make your way down!"

The point that I finally broke was after my husband went down. My husband led the way. I watched him walk all the way down, and kneel down. Then I watched a good friend kneel down to pray with Him................that's when I gave in........I lost control. I ran down. This whole time in my head I was almost getting scolded. "GO! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! He's talking to YOU!!! Go NOW!"

I ran down. I hugged my friend, I couldn't even kneel as there wasn't a lot of room, all I could do is hug my friend and cry uncontrollably. "SUBMIT!" kept running through my head. "JUMP IN" kept running through my head. "Leave that hurt that you've been holding on to here! Leave it with me!"

It took me a long time to gain composure. Even after returning to my seat. On the way home, I fought tears. I went and talked to my Pastor and wife, asking questions, listening again to the same things he's been telling me all week, but it was different listening this time. By the end of our discussion, I was feeling more at peace. He asked me, "Do you want to submit to God?" Of course I did! "Then stop over thinking it!" He reminded me to take one moment at a time, to think of God first. Problems arise turn to God, by praying, reading the bible, and asking other Christians questions. We also talked about my fear of crying, basically, he said Let It Go! That is you staying in control. STOP!!!

Two times, at least, this week God called me, he urged me. He is using people around me to help me to be closer to Him. I still don't know why. I still don't think I deserve it. But all I can do for now is to SUBMIT myself to Him! Will forward, stop looking back. Stop letting my past haunt me, hurt me. Yes, it's painful, but I must move forward, closer, and closer to God for that pain to go away.

"The more you work at thinking about God's positives in your life, the less chances that times like last night will  happen. Focus on God! He is good!" This was a text message that was sent to me this week, after I struggled for a couple days. This pretty much sums up how I need to look at every moment. Think about God's positives, not the past hurt. The past hurt is the devil bringing it up, so I will take my focus off of God. Not this week! I will be transformed!