Realizations...........

Do you ever look back and think, Why? What was I thinking? How could I have done that? Well, today I was on a trip with a good friend and she said something and all of a sudden, something that my Pastor has been saying for a while finally clicked. (Sometimes it takes a while for that to happen, and sometimes I have to hear it a lot. This was a great example of that.) I realized that the person that I had cheated on my husband with was a manipulator. Now, don't get me wrong, I had a lot to do with the affair. But, our relationship lasted off and on for over 20 years. He knew me better then I knew myself. He knew how to get what he wanted and to make me feel good about it. The question is, why did I wait until now to see it.

I have a husband that loves me, that would never manipulate me, especially after all we've been through over these last months. He has changed. He is a new creation. But why can't I open up to him? Why am I scared to? Why have I closed myself off to him? These are questions that haunt me and probably why I can't sleep at night. 

He has been patiently waiting as I try to figure out what is going on with my life. (That's the best way I can think to explain it.) He is waiting on the sidelines.............What am I doing????????????

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