BeautifullyBroken

It's been a tough week. I don't exactly know why. I think its a compilation of a bunch of things. Should it have been a tough week? Probably not. But, like my good friend tells me a lot, it was my choice. I chose to dwell on things. I chose to worry about things. I chose to make things ten times worse then what they should have been. It was my choice! Does that make it any better? Nope! Now, don't get me wrong, there were times that I did have fun, but was always arguing with myself and not letting myself be free of the struggles inside my head.  I'm back to struggling with the question, "Do I belong?" Do I belong here, right here,right now? Through all of my screw ups, through all the hearts I feel like I've torn apart, through the friendships that I can't seem to get a handle on, through the love from others that I can't take. This morning I felt like I didn't belong at church, I've screwed up so much, I shouldn't have even walke

Have you ever been afraid of the silence? Silence to me is a curse, it's the means to drive myself crazy within my own thoughts! It starts all innocent, you should have said this, instead of this; you should have done this, instead of this. Then it starts going even more backwards. The past creeps up on me, the mistakes I'v made, the sins I've committed. Yes, I know they are all forgiven, but that doesn't stop the haunting. So, I just get home and the house is perfectly quiet! I am the only one home. The first thing I want to do is get some loud music going. Then I had this thought that said, "No, you have to be okay with the silence." I made a goal to sit in silence, (even though I'm typing) for 15 minutes or more. So, I googled "scripture silence," just those two words. Here's one of the first images that I see: "Listen to God in the silence of your heart and you will know His perfect plans for you." Psalm 37:4 Now, I

Growing up, wasn’t easy I tried turning to God, I tried to see Him in my life. It took years for me to see Him, Waiting In the nooks and crannies of my soul He kept me safe He tried to steer me in the right direction How many times did He try to reach out? Is he reaching out now? Struggling now more than ever Needing to know the right direction Fearful of where He might take me Not knowing what the future holds. There’s always going to be a storm, There’s always going to be a struggle, There’s always going to be a fight Within my soul. Until I get to that point, the point of full surrender. Full surrender to God.

My new favorite song, Run Wild, Live Free  by for King & Country. Run Wild, Live Free - YouTube At first I just liked it because of it's beat, and the catchiness of it. (Yes, I know that's not a word!) But I looked up the lyrics and was blown away by it. What do you think when someone says, "Run wild, live free"? My first thought is not a good one, that's how I've spent my life - running! Horrible day, I'd run. Fight with husband or other family member, Run AWAY! Anything could cause me to Run Away, that's how I dealt with my problems. I couldn't face anything. Unfortunately, I still have this problem, but it is getting better. (I hope!) So, anyway, almost every part of this song reminds me of my life! "Are the walls to lock you in or to keep others away And if the doors were to be opened would you leave or would you stay." That's a great question, for so many years, as soon as that door was open, I would leave. Whe

This has been a problem I've pretty much had since I started blogging. I know what I need to do, but doing it is the hardest part. Application of  things that I've wrote about. Everything from forgiveness, moving on, putting the past behind me, being more positive, everything! Why is this so hard? Probably because I'm not giving it all to God. I've not took that last step in saying, "Okay, now what? What would you like me to do?" I'm still trying to completely control everything that happens in my life. I've had some jealous feelings this week towards a couple people in my life. (This is something I struggle with more that I need to.) I'm jealous that I can see God working in their life. I see it! But, why can I not see it in my life. Where's God at in my life? I like to hope that he's helping me with this blog, but I don't know. I have a lot of questions as far as how God wants to use me? But I think, how can He use me, if I'

It feels like it has been forever since I blogged. This last week I started a blog and then deleted it because it was more of a whining session. That's not how I want to use my blogs. So prayer has been on my mind a lot lately. Praying, especially when I'm praying in front of others stresses me out! (I know, crazy, right!?) I know there's no such thing as a perfect prayer, that it's just a conversation between me and God, that it's not for others, it's for God. I know all of this stuff, but I still get stressed out. It was brought to my attention today that when I want to back out and not pray at the beginning of the day, that I'm taking my focus off of God and putting it on myself, that how I'm feeling is more important. It's all about focus, changing focus from myself to God, not how it makes me feel, not anything to do about me, but GOD! When I was told that I'm taking the focus off of God, I felt like I had let Him down. (AGAIN!) As I w

Our small group at church had an assignment to find our favorite Proverbs verse, and be ready to talk about it by the next time we meant, tonight!  As usual, I go through the normal steps.  Step 1; Freak out! Are you kidding me? I have to actually talk during small group? In front of people! (Yes,  I know, I'm an adult! But, still......I despise talking in front of groups!) Step 2: Search through all of Proverbs, finding something I underline that is my favorite verse, or at least comes close. Step 3; Keep searching! Don't give up! If Step 2 does not fulfill the desired request! NO EXCUSES! (You've already been questioned once today, "Aren't you a new creation?") Keep going!  Step 4: Once you have found a verse that might closely resemble something your favorite verse, over research it!!!!!  Okay, I'm really kidding, but I did!  Step 5: Write a blog about it! Okay, seriously, I know I'm crazy, but this is how my brain works. (I

If you know me, you know that one of my favorite things to do is mow! I love to mow! I love to feel the sun beating down on me, I turn my music up and drown out the world! I sing as loud as I can, not caring how I sound. I still think, yes, sometimes over think, because I wouldn't be me if I didn't. Well today was a different kind of day while mowing, my attitude was different, I was almost more at peace. I'm starting to get some things figured out. I know I'm still going to struggle with it, but how I choose to face that struggle is going to change. As I was mowing the row, I took my eyes off of my line, looked out at the road, because I thought I saw someone from my past. Someone who is no longer in my life, who shouldn't have been there in the first place, shouldn't have held a spot of as long as he did. When I looked out at the road, my row started to curve, it took me a minute to realize that this had happened. When I was able to get back on track I t