Do I belong?

It's been a tough week. I don't exactly know why. I think its a compilation of a bunch of things. Should it have been a tough week? Probably not. But, like my good friend tells me a lot, it was my choice. I chose to dwell on things. I chose to worry about things. I chose to make things ten times worse then what they should have been. It was my choice! Does that make it any better? Nope! Now, don't get me wrong, there were times that I did have fun, but was always arguing with myself and not letting myself be free of the struggles inside my head. 

I'm back to struggling with the question, "Do I belong?" Do I belong here, right here,right now? Through all of my screw ups, through all the hearts I feel like I've torn apart, through the friendships that I can't seem to get a handle on, through the love from others that I can't take. This morning I felt like I didn't belong at church, I've screwed up so much, I shouldn't have even walked in the doors. God is so mad at me, I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve His forgiveness. No one wants me here, I've intruded on so many people's lives, who cares? 

This morning was a struggle. I didn't want to be at church, I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to crawl into my own little space and not let anyone in. I wanted to put up the walls, no one would notice, right? Then during prayer the pastor says his infamous line of "The altars are open." If you ever want to feel something so bad in you, say "No" to the Holy Spirit! Oh my was I shaking!  I knew it was the Holy Spirit, but I wasn't wanting to go to altar, I wasn't ready to go to altar, I stood firm, I refused, I planted my feet and counted down the seconds until he said "Amen." . I still don't know if I'm ready. I am so mad/hurt/scared right now, I can't handle anything more that comes my way. I can't even verbalize everything that is going through my head right now. Then as if that wasn't enough during the first altar call, yes, let's try again! Seriously? When God makes it hard on you, He can really make it hard!!! So, now, I'm at home, and I keep arguing with myself, why didn't you just go? It's bad to say this, but I'm almost to the point of, "What difference does it make?" It's not helped so far. I feel like my faith has suffered so much. 

I want to just play along, put on a fake face, fake personality, not let anyone know how much I'm hurting right now. I want so bad to live with the attitude of "Fake it until you make it!" Surely, if I do that long enough everything will start lining up, right? I want so bad to put up that wall again. I've trusted too much lately, I've let too many people in, probably too much. I made the comment the other day, "Life was easier a year ago." But, it got shoved back in my face, "Yes, but you were headed to hell." So I keep struggling. 

I've been stuck on a level of candy crush for 2-3 months. It's starting to really make me mad, I use my 5 lives, then have to wait until I have full lives again to play. There's a couple ways to play this stupid game, buy moving the candy around, without regard to the rest of the candy, or by carefully planning what the next move after your current move is going to be. As I was thinking about all of this today, I wondered, "Is this how life is?" You can live your life, one of two ways; following God's plan or yours. Yours, or mine, would be to carefully plan what the next move is going to be. God's plan would be "Do not worry about your life." Matthew 25:6; "Do not be anxious about anything" Phillipians 4:6; "Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 41:10 

There are so many verses that I could put there. It's just an observation, maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I'm totally overthinking this, maybe it's supposed to be the other way around. Let me know what you think.