BeautifullyBroken

  What do you think when you hear the word RESET? I was talking to a friend last night, and a conversation was brought up regarding my blogs. He said that he hadn't heard from me in a while. I had made the comment that I had been mulling things around in my head but hadn't gotten it out on paper, well computer for a while.  My life has been busy, more busy than usual. I'll finish my Master's Degree in August. I'm not sure what God has planned for me after that. Before I decided to go back to school, I went through some heartache. People who I had come to rely on and live life with ended up moving away. It was devastating to me, shouldn't have been, but it was. I learned a lot from that situation.  So, long story short, I needed a reset! In that time of reset, I had to fix my relationship with God. It's still a process in the works, but I would say it's better than it was 3 years ago.  Now, I'm in the mode of "Where do I go from here?" I wan...

Looking back on my life, this simple quote makes me think? What doesn't kill you makes you what? Stronger? Happier? More peaceful? Smarter? I feel like you can put anything at the end of this statement. My ending word has changed more times then I care to admit, as I suppose that yours has too. Having a micro-premie....."What doesn't kill you makes you smarter?" I learned so much for our 5 month hiatus in the NICU. I witnessed so many miracles. This was a time that in my life that I was the most scared, for my life and for my baby. If you have never seen what a 1 pound, 23 week baby looked like outside of the womb, you wouldn't get how amazing of a place any NICU is. I am so thankful for all that I learned through my first miracle. I'm so thankful that God gave me her to make me stronger!  Having not one, but two strokes..... "What doesn't kill you makes you anxious?" This one took me awhile to really come up with. There's a long story with...

The world has drowned itself out, my worries, my anxiety, my brokenness, my overthinking, all submerged into the water as I lay on my back staring up at the black sky. A clear night like no other, I'm amazed at the stars that I can see, and yet don't dare to even began to count them. I pick out the Little Dipper, more because it's the only one I can really remember from school. The water is warm on this summer night as I lay as still as can be. I almost feel like I'm laying in a giant bathtub, but my part of body that isn't covered by water gets goosebumps, more to just remind me I'm outside.  It is so quiet, I can hear my heart beating, the sounds gives me comfort, in some strange way. The water in my ears drowns out everything else. Everything is so peaceful and calm, if only my heart was that way.  As I stop in the center of the pool, and relax as I've never relaxed before... I think about how insignificant I am. Who am I? In this world with billion...

If you grew up in a rough atmosphere, not the best relationships with your family it is so hard to figure out who you are in the eyes of God. This has been something I have struggled with for almost 4 years now. It's so hard to see God's wonderful grace, his mercy, his compassion, his total unconditional love. I've never experienced these types of things in my life, so how can God........... I try my hardest to show these things to my own kids so they never have to struggle in knowing what this all looks like. My prayer today is that I can see/feel/know/understand all these qualities from a God that I know through the bible loves me.

I had one of the best experiences at church last Friday, an experience that I hope that I will never forget. I'll start at the beginning.... Saturday we had a teen quiz scheduled about 2.5 hours away, so we decided just to have a sleepover at church so parents didn't have to come into town super early. There's only one boy in the team, my son, so he decided to sleep at home and come with his dad the next morning. So, I said I'd stay with the girls. Seven girls. Seven pre-teen and teen girls. Well, they practiced for the quiz until about 10, then they played around for quite awhile. I was able to get some work done, so I just let them run around and play around until 11:45. I decided that I should go down to the teen room and tell them to start getting calmed down and ready for bed. My hope was to at least get 6 hours of sleep. My hope. I opened the door to the teen room to witness all of the girls crying. Yep, who would figure? They seriously were just runni...

“In the stillness, I will find you.” He whispers in my ear. I sit and listen, as I feel lost and lonely in this world. I yearn to know that He is with me, even through all the struggles, even when my heart is breaking.  I listen intently, I hear the birds chirping and the stillness. I see life all around me, from the green leaves to the beautifully blooming iris.  Peace comes over me, unexplainable peace. I want to wallow in its goodness, in the stillness. I feel the breeze different then before, more like my favorite blanket covering me up for a midday nap. God says, “I’ll always be with you.” I’m learning to listen. To listen intently to the voice of God. I’ve always wondered how others can “hear” Him so plainly. It took me taking out all the “noise” of this world to finally hear him.  Persevere. Never give up searching for the One who is always there.  This song  seems to fit my blog. Hope everyone is having a peace-filled day! http...

When your heart is breaking and you don't know where to turn..... Jesus says ..... Come to me ..... I know you are hurting Have you ever been so hurt? So heartbroken you just want to shut the world out? You don't feel like you can function normally? You are so far past gone you only see the "I can't's" in life. In every day motions? It's been a long week for me....and tonight I am feeling totally heartbroken. Like my heart is ripped out of my chest. It's due to my own stupid choices. I know this. I know it is not God's fault, but last weekend I drove around and talked to God for about 10 minutes. I yelled at him, asked him why I'm in this situation. Why I'm still facing the same problems over and over. I didn't get an answer, but I felt better for a little bit. So, now tonight, I have cried my heart out. I can't do anything else about it all except for to cry. I hate when I get to this point. I've been asked, "Ar...

I have struggled for a very long time on finding peace in my life. Looking at my past, when I do find it, it's from the wrong places. From places that I know are against God's will.  Now, I know that I am supposed to find peace in Jesus Christ. That's my head knowledge. But, it's a long road from my brain to my heart. (Side note, this applies to many areas of my life!) My church has been praying together corporately for awhile now every Thursday night. Unfortunately, it's not very well attended, but this last few Thursdays I have been here for that hour.  Now, if you know me at all, you know this might be the most uncomfortable thing for me. I can sing on the Praise Team and I'm okay with that, but there's something about praying out loud that I get very self-conscious about. When I'm in that environment I have this personal struggle in my head that I must pray out, and I don't, because it won't be "good enough," or...

So, recently, we have had a conversation at church regarding being honest with those around you. How our church family is supposed to be just that! Family! I know what you are thinking. We are Christian, we should be different. Just because of that though, it doesn't stop the world problems from coming through. How many times have you been at church, and talked about someone behind their back? Or, thought negative thoughts about them? Or, judged them? It's so easy to do and you can get trapped in that very quickly. I've done it so many times. So the question lies in that we have to figure out how to get past these issues, and trust, really trust, that everyone is part of yours/my church family. Most people including myself, have not had that great of experiences regarding family. So, to say that I have trust issues might be a bit of an understatement. Trust is such an essential thing in any relationship. This can make or break any relationship. There's only been a...

When I gaze at the stars, I fall more in love I have to believe that You are there My heart breaks When I think about all I've done. How could I be forgiven? How could you possible? Why would I? Why would I keep going back? I've done the unthinkable The unforgivable. Stop trying to pursue me. I deserve to be punished. I deserve to die. The hurts I've caused people, If only they knew. It's so  hard to ignore my feelings, To do what is right Not what makes me feel happy, what makes me feel the best. I keep praying that if I stop If I do what is right That what you have planned will shine through But, when? How long do I have to wait? Will the blessings ever come? I want to hear you, When I look at the stars I want you to whisper to me, "I love you I died for you Unconditionally Not if...... I will always love you unconditionally But, YOU have to CHOOSE You have to CHOOSE ME!!!"

I see the stars in the sky, And I wonder...... How can You know me? How can You love me? How can You have been with me? I see the stars  And I wonder What makes me so special that You’d want to know me? Why would You love me? Why would You want to stay with me? I see the stars  I am so small Why do I matter? Why am I here? But,  You still love me You still want me to love you To worship You To love others   You are there for me,  in the stars In my kids,  In a song that speaks to me In a gentle breeze In the sunset You are there  You love me Unconditionally.   Always  With grace  Grace more than every star in the sky You love me more than the stars  All the stars in the sky 🌟 ⭐️ 🌟 ⭐️ 🌟 ⭐️ 🌟 ⭐️ 🌟 ⭐️ 🌟 

I was practicing this song today,  Thy Will  ,and ended up in tears. I'm not quite sure how this happened, exactly why it was so upsetting to me. I struggle daily with submitting my life completely to the Lord, and saying the phrase, "Thy will be done," and submission go hand in hand. This is reflected in Romans 12:2. Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will.   So, this raises a couple questions, "Why is this so hard for me?" and "Why did it upset me so?" "Transforming my mind" basically to me means a huge attitude check. Am I following what God wants me to? Or, am I following my human instinct? Am I transforming into a Jesus follower? Or, am I going after "worldly" desires? Is my heart following God's desires? Or, am I following what feels good at the moment? Jesus says...

I thought I'd share this with everyone. I wrote this one of those nights I was awake for hours in the middle of the night. That's usually when my mind works the best! It was before Easter and I started thinking about how people must've felt watching Jesus' crucifixion . So, this is wrote from the point of view of people , then God, then Jesus in Heaven. I've never actually wrote a poem before, so this has been a learning experience! Let me know what you think! How it must’ve felt  To watch you suffer To know that you came to save me Yet died so violently. How it must’ve felt  To see you hurting Knowing there was nothing I could do Knowing I should be there, too How it must’ve felt When you drew your final breath Knowing what I’ve done Instantly feeling regret How it must’ve felt To have to turn away To not watch my son Bear all the pain How You must feel  watching us sin  Loving us more than life But giving up w...

Most of my life, change has scared me. Still to this day, change scares me. A friend sent this to me, so I got to thinking, why does change scare me so much? I think it's because I feel like I'm usually, on the "losing" end of that change. Although, change is going to happen, it's a fact of life. People come in and out, job changes, kids grow up, there's always change, which means always adjusting......... God asks us to " transform our mind ." (Romans 12:2) Transforming into actually being what God says for me to be, doing what he wants me to do, following his " good, pleasing, and perfect will ." (Romans 12:1) I think that it goes a step further than just transforming our minds, I think that we have to change our actions and our hearts. We have to believe God's word so much with our hearts and minds, that it automatically comes out in our actions. So, the question lies in "How do we train ourselves to do this?" I usuall...

During one of my classes this week, we were talking about being poor. Someone made the comment that children in the United States are not allowed to live in poverty with their parents. Short story, I did some correcting of this misconception and basically said that there are many reasons why children are put into foster care. That children can be put into foster care due to neglect, physical abuse and/or emotional abuse, along with our abuses. I opened up to this group and told them bits about my time in foster care. In that instant, they changed how they saw me. Someone made the comment, "I didn't know that about you."  I was worried about this for quite awhile. On one hand I was able to say, you don't know a person's situation, so treat every one that you come into contact with kindness and respect. You never know what has happened in their life, what they are fighting with in their life, their struggles, their daily living, abuse. People who seem th...