BeautifullyBroken

The struggle that goes on inside my own head is so hard to fight against. I don't know which way to turn, I struggle with wanting to run away...... a lot....I'm trying to convince myself that it's going to get better. I just have to remember to stop and pray. I have to fight! I have to not let the devil win! Just get through this moment.........

Have you ever had one of those mornings that you wake up and you know that the Holy Spirit is working on you? That is  how I started off today. So, I wrote a song......trust me....not a very good one. I knew something was off, so I just wrote down what was going on in my mind. It talked about running away from God. This should have been my first hint that the Holy Spirit was really working on me today!  I have been struggling and worrying, and struggling some more with this whole submitting to God for quite awhile now. I want it all to be laid out for me instead of taking it one moment at a time. I want there to be clear cut directions or steps. This is what you need to do now......followed by.......... Okay, I know that's not how it works, but that's the way it should be. I have to remember, one moment at a time. I have to ask myself, "What does God what me to do in this situation?" Anyway, back to my morning. Almost as soon as I walk in the door of the churc

I have a lot on my mind this week. It all started with the sermon that I listened to on Sunday. The Pastor talked about how deep we are in the water. Are we high enough in the water that we are totally letting God control every move in our lives? Or, are we only ankle deep in the water and go into and out of the water under our own control. This has been a huge struggle for me over this last few months. My Pastor pointed it out pretty clear to me when he pointed out that I am smart and know what to say and when to say it, but he could plainly see that I wasn't submitting fully to God. Back to my previous post, "Why is it so hard to submit fully to God?" Another question, "What do I need to do to fully submit to God?" OH, here's another one, "How do I know I've fully submitted to God?" (I know how I haven't submitted to Him.) Is the answer to all of these questions as simple as Read & Pray? Maybe? I don't know. Sunday, the day tha

Why does this submitting to God have to be so hard? 

My philosophy has always been I wouldn't change how I grew up for anything, it made me the person I am today. Sometimes with not the best characteristics, like I might possibly be the most stubborn person in the world, and I tend to over think and worry about silly things. But it also made me patient, understanding of others problems, and sympathetic. This morning I woke up thinking about my past and how I was raised. I for the most part raised my brother and sisters. My mom and step-dad worked nights, so I was responsible for my siblings that are 10+ years younger then me. I also went through some emotional and physical abuse. (I handled the physical abuse, the emotional abuse is another story. Maybe I'll go into that in a different blog) Right now I just wanted to address the hurt that came along with all of that. I didn't feel like I was loved . (Wow, there it is, I said it.) So the first person that came along that I felt truly "loved" me I clung onto fo

Okay, if you read my blog you know that my marriage hit rock bottom over 6 months ago. Well, we've both had to change immensely to make our marriage work and fight through all the battles (trust me, there's a lot!). Tonight, we made plans to go out on a date, just him and I. Normally, married couples are excited to go out by themselves on a "date." Me? I have to breathe! We don't spend a lot of time together without others (mostly children) around. I also have to remember to think positive and have Fun! Yes, I know that this should be a given. But, me being me, I over think it all, I stress about it all. Again, BREATHE! Okay, so supper, movie, and grocery shopping. Not hard, right? Hahaha.........this also means CONVERSATION!!!!!! Okay, I'll stop stressing.........maybe. What are we going to talk about? I don't want to talk about the last six months. Sorry, forgot, STOP stressing, STOP over thinking!!! First battle that I had to fight through tonight was

    As I sat and listened to the sermon this morning, I had many things running through my mind. One was the huge set back I had on Thursday and how I handled that. I am still beating myself up for not handling that better, for not listening to God, for not turning to Him. This kind of is something that has a lot to do with today's sermon, well, maybe. I feel like what I did on Thursday was to deny Christ. I completely let everything take over and did not do what I thought I had tried to train myself to do. Did I pick up my bible and read? NO! Did I pray? NO! Did I write? NO! I wondered what God was thinking at that time, "Who can I get to smack her upside the head?" Haha. Well, in one way or another, I kind of did get that, just not physically. Thank you Lord for the new people that You have put in my life!!! It's almost like a two for one deal. He replaced the one person that was taking me on a path straight to Hell with two Godly, awesome people! I couldn't ha

Okay, out of the last two weeks, I've had more good days then bad days. I would say that's very good. My bad days, well, they were BAD days (limited to 3), but I'm holding out hope that they are getting few and far between. Peace is starting to reside in my heart and mind more and more......so exciting (for lack of better terms.)  I love the verse above. I've struggled for such a long time on living a "happy" life. I've had some good days, I've had some good times. I have found that this last couple weeks when I have Peace, joy and happiness will follow. My whole life I've struggled with this because there is constant battle going on inside of me at all times. I have always had some sort of struggle in my life, even before my marriage, it was the relationship I had with my parents, then the relationship that I had with a serious boyfriend, then on to my husband. Much to say, I'm not very good at relationships. I'm getting better and th