Attitude change #1
Attitude Change #1 Stop worrying about
things I can’t change.
There has been so many decisions that I have
made poorly in my life, so many things that I wish I could go back and change,
relationships that I wish I could fix with a snap of my fingers. I have to look
to God, know and trust that he knows what my future is going to be. I have to
stop second guessing my own decisions and pray more about them.
Last night I couldn’t sleep, I lay awake
for hours thinking of what I call, “The Day my whole world fell apart.” I can
absolutely remember every detail of that day. From when I went to the altar to
beg for forgiveness to when my husband told me why he was at the altar. I can
remember wanting to run….run away from him, run until I had no feelings left, run
until I would collapse. I can remember the sense of how am I going to deal with
all of this. I can remember thinking, “How can he mess up my plan?” You
see, I had things all figured out, I was the one that brought someone else into
our marriage, I screwed up! He was not supposed to screw up! For years, I was
so mad at myself for sleeping with another man. I felt so guilty, and still do,
for what I had done. But he ruined my plan. He admitted to breaking the same
commandment I did. That day our Sunday school lesson was on the 7th
commandment. “You shall not commit adultery.” Do you know how hard it was for
me to sit there? It was …………….I don’t know, I have no words for how I felt. I
remember almost running out of the room when it was over. I remember tears
filling my eyes; I remember shaking the whole time. I never once looked at my husband;
I didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I sat starring at the table and floor. I
was guilty. How could God love me?
After going to the altar, I sent my
friend (the pastor’s wife) a text that said I wanted to run. She came around
and pulled me out; with tears in my eyes she sat and listened to me break down,
again, and again. I was broke! When church was over, I remember setting up a
plan to get kids home and setting up a meeting to have with my husband, my
pastor and his wife. Those minutes seemed to crawl by. I remember thinking,
wondering, “How is he going to react?” I never even thought, “How am I going to
react?” He went first. He told me how he was watching pornography online, and
how he was pleasuring himself with that. I was broke. You see, for years, he
wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and he said he had a low sex drive. He
saw a doctor to try to figure of what was wrong, wasted money on it; he says he
had no clue why he didn’t want to have anything do to with me. I was broke.
When he rejected me, I would turn to my ex. I needed someone to need me. For
months after the “no turning back” day, I walked around here, but not here. I
was absent from my life, was going through the motions but not really with it.
So last night I got caught up in all of
the heartache from that day. I woke after 4 hours of sleep and could not shut
my mind off! I felt guilty for many reasons, for my affair, for the last few
months and my behaviors, I wanted a life re-do. Now with a clear head I have to
remember that God knew what he was doing that day. Yes, I was broke. Sometimes
I still feel broke, and don’t know if I’ll ever get past that. But, you can’t
fix what isn’t broke, and I need fixed. God knows that!
Can I change the past, NO! But I can learn
from it, I can help others to learn from my mistakes.
Dear Lord, Please help me to learn.
Please help me to forgive myself, please help me to move past what has happened
and look forward. What’s in the past is just that, in the past. Help me to not dwell on it and give power to it. Help me to change what I need to dwell on to
you! Thank you for all you have given me, in Your Name I Pray. Amen.
Mathew 6:34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
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