No one else knows

I’m kind of stuck……..I can feel the devil grabbing my ankles……think…think…think…..STOP!!! I’m killing myself through the torture that happens in my own head. I wonder, does he hate me? (He would be the, I don’t know what you would call him, the guy that almost helped me to ruin my marriage) Would it be easier if I knew if he did? What if he didn’t? Why am I even worried about this? Oh, wait, yep, that would be the devil trying to pull me back down.

Okay, turned on the radio, first song that came on is No one else Knows by Building 429. Great song! Sums up a lot of how I feel right now. First verse is; “My world is closing in on the inside, but I’m not showing it, When all I am is crying out, I hold it in and fake a smile, Still I’m broken, I’m broken, 

Only one can understand, And only one can hold the hand, of the broken.”

I feel lost, like I don’t know myself anymore, almost like I have to make up a new personality. I didn’t use to be like this, granted, I wasn’t the most confident person, but I’m second guessing every move I make. I’m worrying so much about everything. I’m stressing more then what I ever had. I don’t know how to handle anything in my life, whether it’s good or bad. I used to be happy all the time.

Okay, so I let the above paragraphs sit for overnight. It’s probably a good thing I did. Last night during our small group lesson with our Pastor we talked about Brokenness. Yes, it was the longest hour of my life. Well, not quite, but it sure felt like it at the time. I felt like everything that was said was so me. I basically had tears in my eyes the whole time. I didn’t look at anybody. The verses that read, I had to make sure that I didn’t crack my voice. No one knows in the small group what I’ve been going through except my Pastor and my husband. I know it’s going to happen eventually, just not something I’m ready to deal with right now.  The good thing is that at the end we talked about steps to take to stop going down the path I’m heading, especially, right now. I push myself through work then almost as soon as I’m done, I feel like I’m just knocked upside the head with all the crap I’ve brought on myself. Okay, sorry, back to how to help myself.

The very first step and most important is to Trust in God, to know that what’s in the bible, what he told us is true, to know that he has forgiven me, to know that he will not give me any more then I can handle, to know that I will not be tempted more then what I can bear, to know that he has better plans for me, and that whoever trusts in him will be safe. I know there’s many more promises, but those are the ones that stick out to me right now. Trust in God. Help me Lord!

I’m not sure why I struggle……..I know in my head that this is a choice…….but it’s so hard to stop sometimes. It’s hard to not let my emotions get the better of me. It’s hard to make that choice to stop dwelling on things and make better choices. I know I’ll get there, but sorry, I’m a little impatient.

Help me to trust in you Lord. You know my heart, you know my brokenness. “Your love for me is proven real. When no one cares where I’ve been, you run to me with outstretched hands and you hold me in your arms.” Please hold me in your arms…………………………………………………….