Read, Pray, Write

What a week! This has been the most stressful week in a really long time. Yes, most of it was brought on myself. The choices that I made were not good. I kept dwelling on things. I kept overthinking things. I fell into a depression. I don’t know how else to put it. Instead of fighting for my marriage and not shutting my husband out, I fell into a dark place that I couldn’t pull myself out of. I struggle with this every day. Some days are okay, others it’s constant. Routine seems to be a big part in how I feel. If it’s a normal week, I don’t have the struggle. But one little change, can impact everything so bad right now. I didn’t used to be this way; I also didn’t used to let the little things bother me so much. I’m so stressed it seems like. I think between my marriage falling apart, normal stresses of raising four kids, and my “new” job; I linger on the brink of a mental breakdown. I know it shouldn’t be like this. So, I go back through my text messages to answer, what am I doing wrong? It’s simple; I’m not praying, reading, and writing. Why do I not stick with this? Why do I not go to this first thing, instead of falling deeper into the pit of despair? I forget this is the devil working; he’s pulling me by my ankles, getting a firm grip, and pulling. Well, how can I remind myself of this? That’s’ the question…………………..

I know that I need to pray that this doesn't happen, that I can remind myself of this daily. I need a scripture that I can memorize, or write on a note and keep with me.

How come fighting this battle I feel so stupid? It's almost like I have to relearn everything, from communication, to learning how to deal with things that happen. I’m still trying to figure out why? Why do I have to relearn these things? Okay, so I was saved……..is this the reason?

My marriage, why can things not work the same? My marriage was headed down a path of destruction. Things have to be different. We have to ask God for help every day, every hour, every minute. I have to ask for help. Something I hate doing, is asking anyone for help. I've not been one to rely on others, because I always get let down. I've done things by myself in my marriage, in raising my kids, in keeping up with the house for almost ten years. Do you know how hard that is to retrain myself to let my husband “help?” He’s let me down so much and I have a problem with letting him help. He’s trying so hard, and I have a problem letting him in. I can’t communicate with him. The old way of communication was yelling at each other or snapping at each other. We can’t do that anymore. I know this, which makes it more stressful to have to think, “How can I do this while being more Christ-like?” I feel like the pressure is on me all the time.

So, I guess, back to my original things that I NEED to remember to do: READ, PRAY, WRITE.  Now, to find someone to hold me accountable.