BeautifullyBroken

Okay, this song has came across my radio and my internet a couple times today. It's by DC Talk, What If I stumble?  This is another struggle that I have. I feel like every time I go down the path that I did earlier, on the verge of  a shut down, that I stumble. I lose sight of God, I lose my Faith and trust in Him. Great, now I have to apologize to my Pastor! I had this argument with him a couple weeks ago regarding that same sentence. He told me that every time I let myself go down that path that I lose my Faith. (Not sure of exact wording, but that was basically it.) I argued with him.........great!!!! It took a few hours, but I was able to pull myself out of it. I prayed, I read the bible, sang, cried a bit, then I forced myself to get up and do something! (That was the hardest part.) But, I have a clearer head now!!! Back to the song. I can relate to the lyrics. Especially in a few parts.      Father please forgive me for I can not compose      The fear that lives

Saturdays, my nemesis. Most people look forward to Saturdays, me, not so much. Especially, on Saturdays when I have nothing going on which takes me out of my house. It seems like it's hard to pull myself out of dwelling on things when I'm stuck at  home. There's so much to do, but always in the back of my head, there's too many things to think about, dwell on. It doesn't help that my husband is gone. He's getting better at keeping my attention on other things. I have to figure out how to pull out of this on my own, because I'm not always going to be able to count on others to do it for me. There are going to be times where I am by myself. So, the question is, how can I stop myself from going down this path that might lead to a shut down, or me in tears........... These are the times that I feel the most lonely, even when others are around me.........

I saw this on Facebook and loved it! This is one of my many struggles, giving my burdens to the Lord. I still struggle with relying on Him and knowing that in the end it's all going to be okay, because he is right there with me, if I ask Him.  I've always tried to control every situation. Then I stress myself out because things don't go as I planned, or as how I had it in my head. I'm getting better at this, but I think like most people it always helps to have a gentle reminder! 

Today was one of those days that I felt thankful for everything. I thought about going through and listing everything and everyone I'm thankful for, but that might get to be a pretty boring list to read. Haha. Then there's the fact I wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings by being left out, so that's not going to happen. But, how about I list my top 3? Okay, my top 3 include;  Jesus Christ Family & Friends Where I'm at today Now, I thought I would explain each one. Jesus Christ; Without Him I would not have been forgiven of my sin. This has been a huge struggle for me......I think it probably will always be a struggle. I have a horrible time at forgiving myself for what I have done to my husband and to my family. Christ and my family have forgiven me for my past, but it still haunts me and probably always will. I think that when you have done something so terribly wrong, you've broken a commandment, it will haunt you. 

This has been something that has been on my mind for awhile. What has God blessed me with that I can use for Him?  Well, I've been writing blogs for quite a few months now. It started out that it was more of a counseling session for me. Now, I've actually gotten to the point that I enjoy it. I look forward to when I have something to write about. I also worry because, what's going to happen when my life is straightened out? When I'm on a much better path? The right path? God's path? Will I still have things to write about? I've enjoyed writing the blogs and writing my songs, but what if things were all good. I have to trust that God will reveal things for me to write about. I have to submit to Him! 

I did it! I had a huge problem today (ok, maybe not huge, but still....), and I overcame it. I was able to push the thoughts out of my head and focus on something else. This might not be a huge thing to you, but it is to me. Sometimes it's the small things!!!

Have you ever heard that saying, "I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop." Well, that's pretty much how I've lived my life. When things are going good, I'm always thinking in the back of my head, "it won't go good for very long, the other shoe will drop soon." Even growing up I was like that. It's almost a defense mechanism. If I always think that, then I will be prepared when things do go bad. But, how much of my life is wasted by thinking this way? Instead of trying to look at the positive, I am constantly in waiting. So, I've spent over 24 hours stressing, worrying about this whole thing of letting the other shoe drop. Did that glorify God in anyways? Nope! What a waste of a day!!!! While looking for a picture to put with this blog I found a couple scriptures that I needed to hear. The one attached, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27 I think that I am still "afraid" t

Okay, so I've been challenged to change my way of thinking. My way of dealing with life in general, not only the bad times but also the good times. I ride this emotional roller coaster constantly, I generally am at the peak of the roller coaster or clear at the bottom, after you lose your breath coming down faster then ever! I had a discussion last night that I when I do this, when I lose all hope and give up, I lose my Faith. Well, I never even thought about it that way. But, basically, I'm not putting my trust in God that I will be pulled out of these situations, that He's still standing by me, that He has my best interest at heart.  This week, I'm happy to say, I only had one really bad day. But, I could have handled it so much better then I did. I absolutely, have to change how I look at everything. I have to put my "trust in the Lord." That should be enough!  The definition of change: Something made different.   2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefo

I need this on a sign!!!!! I typed in the Google search bar, "Scripture regarding feeling inadequate." This is what comes up! Wow! Talk about hitting me upside the head. 

What happens when you've had a fairly good week? The devil takes the time to pull you down. I am feeling it right now. I have this problem that once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to go wrong. My day started off extremely bad, I took the whole situation to heart, cried, prayed, and as much as I tried to enjoy the rest of my day, I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day. Then found out some news about my job, wasn't too happy with it, not devastated, but just disappointed, and I felt like I was slowly being pulled down. Then after school my youngest had to argue with me, yell at me, try to hit me, and that's when I lost it, the tears wouldn't stop. I would love to just wrap up in a blanket and sleep for days, but I know that's not what God wants. He wants me to live my life with joy. WITH JOY. Why is this such a hard concept for me?

Okay, I absolutely know that no one likes to step out of there comfort zones. We all have fears, anxieties, doubts about ourselves that we battle. It's different for everyone. Some have more then others. (Me included in that count!!!) When I started this blog, I used a different name due to the fact that I didn't want anyone finding out who was writing it. This was for many reasons, most of it dealing with my past and all the things I have done completely wrong. I have worked very hard to let most of it go, but I still have a long ways to go. Living in a small town, I fear about others finding out, which is why I chose to us an alias on this blog, in hopes that no one would find out.  After many talks with good friends of mine, and a close call (for lack of better terms), I have finally let myself worry less about people finding out. In the words of my wonderful friend, (who sees things a lot clearer then I do), "How awesome of a story for you to be able to say 'thi

      Okay, so, I have a confession to make. I have wrote all of these blogs, great, huh? Well, not so much, here's the problem; I write the blogs, then I leave them,  not looking at that them again, and I don't apply what I put in them to my life.      I realized this last night. I am constantly having to fight myself, my own wants and desires. I am having a hard time relying on God and letting Him control everything. I have the head knowledge, but putting it into practice very difficult.       So, this week I'm going to challenge myself, and hopefully every week I can challenge myself in different areas. The first thing that I think that I need to do better at is THINKING POSITIVE. Any time that I do have a negative thought I will push it out of my mind, either by reading or praying. So, if you know me, please help hold me accountable. I figure this is a small step towards finding Joy in my life, and moving closer to God.

Well, I've been thinking about this for a while. I pretty much know the short answer, "God's plan!" But I still have to wonder, ponder, and worry about the answer to this question.  A year ago, we weren't even attending church, now, doors are open, we are there.  Less then that, my husband and I were basically done with each other. We were living together, but acting/living as a married couple. Now, we are trying to get back to where we are supposed to be at. I'm still not sure where that is, but at least we are both trying.  Seven months ago - I broke. I have no more words then that for the whole occurrence. I still feel broke, but I feel more and more like God is trying to glue the pieces back together. I almost feel like I have to create this new person. Well, like God has to create this new person. While I'm struggling, he's being patient and waiting for me to get it. I still struggle every day to leave the old way I used to do thi

Next verse to memorize, James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. This constant internal battle in my head needs to stop, the emotional roller coaster, the lies that the devil puts into my head, along with the doubts, they all have to stop.  Psalm 107:29  He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. . I'm ready for my storm to be stilled. 

I absolutely need to remember this! Yesterday, I was still on high from Sunday and being baptized. I felt so at peace,then today CRASH! I let the devil pull me down, again. This emotional roller coaster has got to stop!!!!!! I have to remember that Jesus is inside of me now! He will help me to fight! I can't do this myself! Tonight is going to be a good night!

Okay, this has been on my mind for a while, What is God's plan for my life? What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? I know that I shouldn't worry and stress about it.  Do I stay where I'm at? Maybe in a different age group? Do I pursue more on the writing front? Or is there something else God wants me to do! Whatever it is I need to pray that I find peace, happiness, and joy in it. This summer, or sooner, I am going to pray that God will show me what I need to do, what His plan is. What can I do with my story? I would love to help others that were in the path that I traveled through, but HOW?  Please show me Lord!