BeautifullyBroken

When am I going to get over it? I know, that's almost a loaded question. I have to figure out a way to move on. To let the past be exactly that, to let all my problems make me who I am, without affecting who I am. I have got to be a NEW person. I have got to be transformed. A person that I've never been before. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! Okay, I know I've said this all before. My problem has been the teetering back and forth on the ledge. Sometimes I'm okay with the change, other times I'm scared to death! I've had this same personality for such a long time, it's going to be a lot of work to change it. So, the first thing I have to work on is not running away when I have a problem. I think this also includes not shutting out those that care for me. I remember whenever I would get into a fight with my mom, my instinct was to run away. This started when I was about 12

Well, as if there’s not enough from the book  Mended  that actually correlates with my life, now there’s another section that just yelled my name!!!!! Really??? Ok, it’s about John 5:2-9. It’s talking about a pool of water called “Bethesda” where people went to become healed. In a nutshell, Jesus asked an invalid of 38 years if he wanted to be healed. Of course, Jesus knew the answer, but he still asked. The man replied with something like, I don’t have anyone to help me, so others get in before me. Sorry, there’s a lot that’s missing from that story, but hopefully you get the jest of it. The man did not answer Jesus’ question. His original question was “Do you want to be healed?” Okay, so here’s the kicker, the following paragraph; “Do you want a strong marriage despite coming from a broken home? Do you want to raise your children to love the Lord even though you know they have seen you sin? Do you want to walk free from the pull of that sin that has plagued you for years?”

Okay, so last night, like normal, I pretty much slept like crap. Every time that I woke I thought about conversations I've had over these past two weeks, about all the feelings that are associated with those conversations. When I woke up this morning I made the decision to not let any of that affect my day today! It's a new day! I'm going to try my hardest to not dwell on the heartbreak of everything that I've been through. Quoting my friend, "It's my choice!" Today, I will make it my choice. This is going to be one of the hardest tasks I've done. I know that I will probably have to fight the devil away at every turn. But today, every time I feel it happening, I am going to Stop & Pray! Every time! One day at a time.............                 Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will                 be given to you as well. (34) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will        

Today has been an emotional day for me. Actually this whole week has been like that, so it's not just today. I'm very frustrated with myself right now. I don't even know how to say why I'm frustrated with myself. I'm definitely frustrated that I want to just give up. Give up on everything. Anytime I face a difficult situation in my life I want to run away. I want to run as fast as I can away from the situation. Yes, I know this does not help. I know that the situation will still be there when I get back, and I have to eventually come back. I have to learn how to handle problems when they arise. This is going to have to be a total mind set change for me. Logically I know what needs to happen, but forcing it to happen is the problem. Today, during church I helped to lead music. We sang Mighty to Save, I cried almost the whole time. (I hate crying! In case I haven't said that yet!) I had to completely swallow my tears and keep singing. But the words were pulling

Just when you get comfortable with life and how things are going, you get blind sided. Okay, well, I get blind sided. Yes, I know that part of it is that I get stuck into a routine and my stress level rises when my routine gets out of whack. I do know that's some of it. I'm trying to sort through all of my problems logically, trying to take emotion out of the equation. I feel like I have lost so many relationships over this past year, I absolutely cannot handle any more. I have cried so much in this past week I can't handle any more. I'm tired of being smacked over and over with crap. I'm tired of putting my trust into people. There's a reason I don't trust people. I'm always let down. Too many times I've been let down. I know logically that things happen for a reason, that things will work out, but my heart is breaking. My support system............................... I know that I need to move on. I have fought more then ever to not run awa

I hate crying.  Emotions are running crazily through me. Life will go on. I have to change. My expectations have to change.  Trust, my arch nemesis. Friendships, so hard for me. Summer is coming and I'm scared to death. My routine is going to be out of whack. I know I put a lot of emphasis on my routine, way more then what needs to be. Two and a half hours of sleep..........not good!!!! I'm fighting so hard to go back to my old life. Things were simpler. I can leave out my huge major screw up. I don't like this feeling right now and there's not anything I can do about it. I want to run. I want to say screw it all and run. Yes, I know I absolutely can not. But the desire is still there. One step forward, ten steps back.

I hate the feeling I have tonight!!!

Does anyone else have problems with understanding how God's forgiveness works? I have struggled with this a lot over the past months. I feel like I have sinned so greatly, how could He forgive me for what I have done? The problem with this is that as I'm trying to understand it, I start feeling worse about what I've done, which to dwelling on all my past sins. I was asked to read Ephesians Chapters 1 and 2,  and started thinking of His forgiveness logically, instead of trying to understand it, or comprehend it. The verse that stuck out above all the other verses today was:          Ephesians 2:8: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from           yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast.  Forgiveness is God's gift to us, to you, to me. My sins are erased. They are no more. I am a new person, and I need to act like it. I need to not only for me, not only for Christ, but so others

Did you ever have one of those days that it seemed like no matter what you did it wasn't right? That was my day. I don't know that there was a particular incident that made me feel like that. Maybe, it was just an overall feeling from the last year. I really don't know. I get frustrated because things don't go my way, because I'm doing things wrong, because I make the wrong choices, because I screwed up, because it feels like I'm never going to change, because I can't do things, because ..............................The list could go on and on. Last night, I was extremely frustrated, and I got rid of it by running. (Okay, I didn't actually get rid of it, I subsided it) I ran two miles (separate times) at over 11 minutes per mile. Yes, I am sore! I was happy that I pushed myself to do it. There were many times that I wanted to stop, but I just kept pushing, no matter how much my muscles were screaming at me. Why can't I be like that all the

Amazing ---  The only word I have tonight for my day! I am absolutely amazed at how God just shows up. A few weeks ago I had applied for a new position at work, I had been turned down for them both. I had come to the point that I was completely okay with that. Somehow, I was offered one of those positions today! I was in shock.......matter of fact.....I'm still in shock. How did He do that? Technically, it really doesn't matter how He did it, how everything lined up, what matters is - He came through. I told my Pastor about it, and he said "God is trying to prove Himself to you." Why does He care so much about me that He is trying to prove Himself to me? I guess that's the only question I have. I do know that He deserves all the glory for my new position!!! I am so beyond ecstatic!!!! Thank You God!!!!