Why?

Just when you get comfortable with life and how things are going, you get blind sided. Okay, well, I get blind sided. Yes, I know that part of it is that I get stuck into a routine and my stress level rises when my routine gets out of whack. I do know that's some of it. I'm trying to sort through all of my problems logically, trying to take emotion out of the equation. I feel like I have lost so many relationships over this past year, I absolutely cannot handle any more. I have cried so much in this past week I can't handle any more. I'm tired of being smacked over and over with crap.

I'm tired of putting my trust into people. There's a reason I don't trust people. I'm always let down. Too many times I've been let down.

I know logically that things happen for a reason, that things will work out, but my heart is breaking. My support system...............................

I know that I need to move on.

I have fought more then ever to not run away this week. I'm still playing out scenarios in my head. I absolutely know this is not an option for me. That does not stop the thoughts.

I know things have to change.

I feel betrayed, even though that is not the way it was meant to be. I just want to run and never look back.

Broken. The rug has been pulled out from underneath me.

I want to shut down. I want to not care about what has happened. I want to run away from everyone and everything, and God. Why would He let this happen? Why does He continue to ....................... Never mind.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I AM A Child of God

Image
If you grew up in a rough atmosphere, not the best relationships with your family it is so hard to figure out who you are in the eyes of God. This has been something I have struggled with for almost 4 years now. It's so hard to see God's wonderful grace, his mercy, his compassion, his total unconditional love. I've never experienced these types of things in my life, so how can God........... I try my hardest to show these things to my own kids so they never have to struggle in knowing what this all looks like. My prayer today is that I can see/feel/know/understand all these qualities from a God that I know through the bible loves me.
Read more

5 Things that I am Blessed With

Image
I have vowed that I am going to look at the bright side of things. I have got to stay more positive and be more thankful for what I have. God blessed me with so much, and my hope is that if I focus on what He has blessed me with, when things do go wrong, it won't be that big of a deal. This is a short list, and trust me there is so much more, but these were on my mind today. 1. Did you wake up breathing today? Consider yourself blessed. 2. Can you pay your bills? I know sometimes money is tight, but eventually we do get there. We have been a lot better since starting the Dave Ramsey course. But, I can afford to feed my kids. I can afford to keep my lights on. When money gets tight, I have to remember, God will provide. 3. Do you have people in your life that will support you? There has been times in my life I would say no. But I can honestly say right now that I am beyond blessed in this area. When I started church again a few months ago I gained one of the best friends that ...
Read more

Insignificant

Image
The world has drowned itself out, my worries, my anxiety, my brokenness, my overthinking, all submerged into the water as I lay on my back staring up at the black sky. A clear night like no other, I'm amazed at the stars that I can see, and yet don't dare to even began to count them. I pick out the Little Dipper, more because it's the only one I can really remember from school. The water is warm on this summer night as I lay as still as can be. I almost feel like I'm laying in a giant bathtub, but my part of body that isn't covered by water gets goosebumps, more to just remind me I'm outside.  It is so quiet, I can hear my heart beating, the sounds gives me comfort, in some strange way. The water in my ears drowns out everything else. Everything is so peaceful and calm, if only my heart was that way.  As I stop in the center of the pool, and relax as I've never relaxed before... I think about how insignificant I am. Who am I? In this world with billion...
Read more