Broken-hearted. For lack of better terms

I hate crying.  Emotions are running crazily through me. Life will go on. I have to change. My expectations have to change.  Trust, my arch nemesis. Friendships, so hard for me. Summer is coming and I'm scared to death. My routine is going to be out of whack. I know I put a lot of emphasis on my routine, way more then what needs to be.
Two and a half hours of sleep..........not good!!!!

I'm fighting so hard to go back to my old life. Things were simpler. I can leave out my huge major screw up. I don't like this feeling right now and there's not anything I can do about it. I want to run. I want to say screw it all and run. Yes, I know I absolutely can not. But the desire is still there.

One step forward, ten steps back.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Insignificant

Image
The world has drowned itself out, my worries, my anxiety, my brokenness, my overthinking, all submerged into the water as I lay on my back staring up at the black sky. A clear night like no other, I'm amazed at the stars that I can see, and yet don't dare to even began to count them. I pick out the Little Dipper, more because it's the only one I can really remember from school. The water is warm on this summer night as I lay as still as can be. I almost feel like I'm laying in a giant bathtub, but my part of body that isn't covered by water gets goosebumps, more to just remind me I'm outside.  It is so quiet, I can hear my heart beating, the sounds gives me comfort, in some strange way. The water in my ears drowns out everything else. Everything is so peaceful and calm, if only my heart was that way.  As I stop in the center of the pool, and relax as I've never relaxed before... I think about how insignificant I am. Who am I? In this world with billion
Read more

I AM A Child of God

Image
If you grew up in a rough atmosphere, not the best relationships with your family it is so hard to figure out who you are in the eyes of God. This has been something I have struggled with for almost 4 years now. It's so hard to see God's wonderful grace, his mercy, his compassion, his total unconditional love. I've never experienced these types of things in my life, so how can God........... I try my hardest to show these things to my own kids so they never have to struggle in knowing what this all looks like. My prayer today is that I can see/feel/know/understand all these qualities from a God that I know through the bible loves me.
Read more

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger???

Looking back on my life, this simple quote makes me think? What doesn't kill you makes you what? Stronger? Happier? More peaceful? Smarter? I feel like you can put anything at the end of this statement. My ending word has changed more times then I care to admit, as I suppose that yours has too. Having a micro-premie....."What doesn't kill you makes you smarter?" I learned so much for our 5 month hiatus in the NICU. I witnessed so many miracles. This was a time that in my life that I was the most scared, for my life and for my baby. If you have never seen what a 1 pound, 23 week baby looked like outside of the womb, you wouldn't get how amazing of a place any NICU is. I am so thankful for all that I learned through my first miracle. I'm so thankful that God gave me her to make me stronger!  Having not one, but two strokes..... "What doesn't kill you makes you anxious?" This one took me awhile to really come up with. There's a long story with
Read more