What now?
Today has been an emotional day for me. Actually this whole week has been like that, so it's not just today. I'm very frustrated with myself right now. I don't even know how to say why I'm frustrated with myself. I'm definitely frustrated that I want to just give up. Give up on everything. Anytime I face a difficult situation in my life I want to run away. I want to run as fast as I can away from the situation. Yes, I know this does not help. I know that the situation will still be there when I get back, and I have to eventually come back. I have to learn how to handle problems when they arise. This is going to have to be a total mind set change for me. Logically I know what needs to happen, but forcing it to happen is the problem.
Today, during church I helped to lead music. We sang Mighty to Save, I cried almost the whole time. (I hate crying! In case I haven't said that yet!) I had to completely swallow my tears and keep singing. But the words were pulling me into tears. "Everyone needs compassion, A love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me, Well, everyone needs forgiveness." Right now more then ever I need His compassion. I need someone to hug me and tell me, I'm going to be okay. I feel lately my life keeps getting turned upside down. Maybe this is God testing me, I don't know. Maybe it's the devil saying, "See you don't deserve this!" He's right......................
We had an awesome speaker today, she talked a lot about her life and her marriage. The one thing that I kept thinking about was when she talked about her and her husband giving their lives to Christ. She said that each had given their life to Christ, their own personal lives, but not their marriage to Christ. They held hands and went to the altar together. They left all their problems at the altar. That was a key phrase for me. They "left it all at the altar." This is a huge problem I have.....I take it back with me. Almost anytime that I go to the altar I pick up whatever I took up there and take it back with me. I can't leave it. Why? Is this what is holding me back. Yeah, probably. So, why can't I just leave it there. Because I can't forget about what I've done. Because I can't move on, for fear of either doing it again, or fear of being happy.
Today was different being at church. I didn't want to be there at all. This is the second time this has happened since last August. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was so worried about crying and completely losing it. How long is this going to last? I completely want to just shut down and run away from the church. I know logically I need to be there, but I'm so hurt right now, that the only thing I know how to do is RUN!
It did me a lot of good to be up there singing, well, I think it did. During the song Mighty to Save, I had to close my eyes, so I wouldn't completely break. I'm sure people are tired of me, I'm sure people are giving up on me. Possibly thinking she's never going to be................................ I don't know, I better not go down that path. But I do feel like people have given up on me, I've given up on me.
Today, during church I helped to lead music. We sang Mighty to Save, I cried almost the whole time. (I hate crying! In case I haven't said that yet!) I had to completely swallow my tears and keep singing. But the words were pulling me into tears. "Everyone needs compassion, A love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me, Well, everyone needs forgiveness." Right now more then ever I need His compassion. I need someone to hug me and tell me, I'm going to be okay. I feel lately my life keeps getting turned upside down. Maybe this is God testing me, I don't know. Maybe it's the devil saying, "See you don't deserve this!" He's right......................
We had an awesome speaker today, she talked a lot about her life and her marriage. The one thing that I kept thinking about was when she talked about her and her husband giving their lives to Christ. She said that each had given their life to Christ, their own personal lives, but not their marriage to Christ. They held hands and went to the altar together. They left all their problems at the altar. That was a key phrase for me. They "left it all at the altar." This is a huge problem I have.....I take it back with me. Almost anytime that I go to the altar I pick up whatever I took up there and take it back with me. I can't leave it. Why? Is this what is holding me back. Yeah, probably. So, why can't I just leave it there. Because I can't forget about what I've done. Because I can't move on, for fear of either doing it again, or fear of being happy.
Today was different being at church. I didn't want to be there at all. This is the second time this has happened since last August. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was so worried about crying and completely losing it. How long is this going to last? I completely want to just shut down and run away from the church. I know logically I need to be there, but I'm so hurt right now, that the only thing I know how to do is RUN!
It did me a lot of good to be up there singing, well, I think it did. During the song Mighty to Save, I had to close my eyes, so I wouldn't completely break. I'm sure people are tired of me, I'm sure people are giving up on me. Possibly thinking she's never going to be................................ I don't know, I better not go down that path. But I do feel like people have given up on me, I've given up on me.
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