BeautifullyBroken

                                                          Attitude Change #1 Stop worrying about things I can’t change . There has been so many decisions that I have made poorly in my life, so many things that I wish I could go back and change, relationships that I wish I could fix with a snap of my fingers. I have to look to God, know and trust that he knows what my future is going to be. I have to stop second guessing my own decisions and pray more about them. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I lay awake for hours thinking of what I call, “The Day my whole world fell apart.” I can absolutely remember every detail of that day. From when I went to the altar to beg for forgiveness to when my husband told me why he was at the altar. I can remember wanting to run….run away from him, run until I had no feelings left, run until I would collapse. I can remember the sense of how am I going to deal with all of this. I can remember thinking, “How can he mess up my plan ?” You s

The first step in any “quitting” program or anonymous program (ex. Alcoholics anonymous) is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, I don’t have one problem, I have 10! The following is a list of things that I need to stop doing! Soon! I’m guessing I’m not the only one that does these things, so I thought I’d just list them out. If anything, just to prove to myself months down the road that I’ve accomplished something! 1.     Stop worrying about things I can’t change . There has been so many decisions that I have made poorly in my life, but I can’t go back and change them.   2.     What is in the past is in the past. Why do I think about it so much? I’m always thinking, why did I say that? Why did I do that? Or I’m wishing I was there……. Along with that is worrying about the future.   3.     This Christmas I had two of my sisters down at the same time, I was so nervous, because they hadn’t spoken to each other in such a long time, and I’m the oldest and feel like I nee

What a day! It’s been an emotional type of roller coaster day for me! Overall everything worked out, but my worry and anticipation caught up with me. Why I’m really writing is because I have some great news. With all of the food that I ate today, I had to go on a walk. I was worried at first because I was afraid I was going to be tempted to text him. But I prayed and still went on my walk. As soon as I walk across my street, who happens to drive by? Yep, he did. The one I’m getting over, the relationship that has ended, the one whom I had the affair with. Okay, deep breath. I had a choice to make right then and there. Do I fall apart, return home? Do I over think it and keep walking? Do I pray more about it, stop thinking about it and continue on? Well, before I made the decision, I reached into my pocket and grabbed my post it note and held it in my hand. The post it note states the following verse 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God

After having many good days in a row, sometimes it hits me. The struggles, the fears, everything hits me like a ton of bricks. What really is hitting me is the devil. Makes me wonder if he’s sitting there waiting, thinking, when am I going to have a chance. Then I get caught so off guard that I stumble.  During the time that I stumble, what do you think God is saying, or thinking. I struggle with this. Instead of knowing what I need to do, read, pray & write. I let the devil suck me in, with worry, dwelling, and over-thinking. Today, I got caught up in how many people I have disappointed, even those that are in heaven. I know in my head this is not something that I need to worry about, but it’s always with me. How do I let this go? Today, I picked up my book Mended.  Of course the chapter talked about dwelling and overthinking, and missing those “Blink” moments. I can about guarantee anytime that I pick up this book it’s going to be relevant to what is going on that day. T

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creations has come; The old has gone, the new is here. Okay, I’m really having problems wrapping my head around this verse. (Okay, so it’s a lot of verses that I do that.) I have a problem with thinking this way. My comment usually goes something like, “I didn’t used to (fill in the blank).” Or “I use to (fill in the blank)” This week one of the comments that I have said a lot is, “I use to be able to handle stress.” My friend reminded me that I am a “new creation.” I almost have to learn how to “handle” everything all over again. So, my question is, how? I guess my brain can’t wrap my head around why you are a new creation after you accept Christ into your heart. Maybe it’s more along the lines of, I can’t see it. Or maybe, it’s along the lines of I’m not doing something right. (Which is probably more true!) It’s kind of been a rough week, I’ve been a selfish a lot this week, and not made some very good c

Struggles are an everyday part of my life right now. Sometimes, I feel like I’m never going to overcome them. Sometimes, I feel like just giving up, like just giving into the temptation. But then I’m reminded of 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has over taken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. It’s so hard to know what the way out is……. A phone call to someone……I don’t know……I’m tired of being a bother to others. Well, the other night, I was struggling big time. Good news? I didn’t give in. I fought with everything that I had not to give in. Was it hard? Oh, more than you’ll ever now. I still don’t know how I did it. I was so overwhelmed with everything, from my marriage, to the sickness running through my family, to normal daily stress.  I was mentally done. I wanted to climb into a hole and not come out. Instead, I

Okay, so in the first time in a very, very long time I had a great day! Yes, you heard me right, I had a GREAT day! I’m almost in tears because I’m so happy that I had this good of a day! What made it such a great day? I honestly don’t know. I had a pretty good nights’ sleep, not the best, but much better then what I had been. Work was pretty easy today, than I got to spend time with friends and family until just now. I cannot say enough about the friends I have in my life. You know how you have life-long friends? Ones that you graduated high school with, that you’ve known since you were young. Then you have friends that just show up in your life for no apparent reason, those friends that you feel connected to immediately. I’m so lucky to have those friends, and I know that they are not put into my life for no apparent reason, God put them there! I have made so many close friends in the last 3 months. These friends I trust with my life! Literally, they pretty much know me better

I’m kind of stuck……..I can feel the devil grabbing my ankles……think…think…think…..STOP!!! I’m killing myself through the torture that happens in my own head. I wonder, does he hate me? (He would be the, I don’t know what you would call him, the guy that almost helped me to ruin my marriage) Would it be easier if I knew if he did? What if he didn’t? Why am I even worried about this? Oh, wait, yep, that would be the devil trying to pull me back down. Okay, turned on the radio, first song that came on is No one else Knows by Building 429. Great song! Sums up a lot of how I feel right now. First verse is; “My world is closing in on the inside, but I’m not showing it, When all I am is crying out, I hold it in and fake a smile, Still I’m broken, I’m broken,  Only one can understand, And only one can hold the hand, of the broken.” I feel lost, like I don’t know myself anymore, almost like I have to make up a new personality. I didn’t use to be like this, granted, I wasn’t the most

Okay, there’s something about Monday’s that totally exhaust me! I’m going to try something different. I’m going to open up my bible and point to a verse. Then think about how it relates to my life………..wonder if that will work………ok, here it goes. Okay, ended up on John 12:16 At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that these things had been done to him. Okay, this is not going to work. So now my question is; can you take a verse out of the bible without knowing what precedes it and antecedes it (I know big words for me! Yay, my brain still works) and relate it to your life. If that is the case then I would have to say that I’m going to take the first part of this verse and use it. “At first the disciples did not understand all this.” Do we ever understand what God’s will is and why? We can never understand everything that happens to us. Only God can understand, only

Well, as if there’s not enough from the book Mended that actually correlates with my life, now there’s another section that just yelled my name!!!!! Really??? Ok, it’s about John 5:2-9. It’s talking about a pool of water called “Bethesda” where people went to become healed. In a nutshell, Jesus asked an invalid of 38 years if he wanted to be healed. Of course, Jesus knew the answer, but he still asked. The man replied with something like, I don’t have anyone to help me, so others get in before me. Sorry, there’s a lot that’s missing from that story, but hopefully you get the jest of it. The man did not answer Jesus’ question. His original question was “Do you want to be healed?” Okay, so here’s the kicker, the following paragraph; “Do you want a strong marriage despite coming from a broken home? Do you want to raise your children to love the Lord even though you know they have seen you sin? Do you want to walk free from the pull of that sin that has plagued you for years?”

What a week! This has been the most stressful week in a really long time. Yes, most of it was brought on myself. The choices that I made were not good. I kept dwelling on things. I kept overthinking things. I fell into a depression. I don’t know how else to put it. Instead of fighting for my marriage and not shutting my husband out, I fell into a dark place that I couldn’t pull myself out of. I struggle with this every day. Some days are okay, others it’s constant. Routine seems to be a big part in how I feel. If it’s a normal week, I don’t have the struggle. But one little change, can impact everything so bad right now. I didn’t used to be this way; I also didn’t used to let the little things bother me so much. I’m so stressed it seems like. I think between my marriage falling apart, normal stresses of raising four kids, and my “new” job; I linger on the brink of a mental breakdown. I know it shouldn’t be like this. So, I go back through my text messages to answer, what am I doing wr

Finally, a good day! I was asked what made my day good. Are you kidding me? Shouldn't we just be happy that I had a good day? Haha. Okay, seriously….was asked to reflect on what made my day good, so that I have the possibility of repetition, I think. So, what made my day good? Okay, I’ll start with sleep. I was awake from 2 to 3 in the morning, but I was able to go back to sleep, and I didn’t have any bad dreams. My husband prayed for me, before I went to sleep, I know that helped. I love listening to him pray for me. It relaxes me.  So, technically, I got a little more sleep. That probably helps. Secondly, I woke up with a different mindset. The mind set of, “This is going to be a better day. This is my choice. I can’t feed into all the negative stuff running through my head, it's the devil trying to get me.” That’s all I've got! I knew it was going to be a long day, so I was determined to make the best of it. Okay, I get it! It’s in my head more times than not! Now, why

Today was a rough day, for a variety of reasons, but still rough. My mind goes 100 M.P.H. all the time, rambling about one thing or another. Tonight, when everything was quiet I decided to read another chapter in my book Mended. The chapter was called Ransomed. The first page hit home with me today. It talks about how everyone has regrets, something in their life that they would like to have do over on. Yes, I have lots, but mostly one huge regret! A relationship that should have never started.  That decision that I made for many years still haunts me and I’m having a heck of a time moving on. The book talks about how Christ now sees me as pure. I’ve asked for forgiveness and he sees me as “pure and clean, ransomed through the blood of Christ.” This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, but sometime I think I need to be smacked over the head with things! Ha-ha. The chapter says, “Part of moving forward is always letting go of what has held us back.” I know that I need to pray

Dwelling, Worrying, Overthinking Those three words pretty much sum up my life. This is what I do. I worry about the simplest of things. I worry about things that I can’t control. I worry about things I can control. I worry that some of my nightmares may come true. I worry on if I’ll be able to handle what happens in my life. I worry about my kids, how they grow up, am I doing right by them? My life is full of worry moments…… The bible says in Matthew 6:33-34; But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34, Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I know I need to embrace this. How do I do that when this has been part of my personality for so long. I mean, I worry about things that happened ten years ago. Did I say the right thing? Could I have handled that differently? Why did I do that? Okay, lots of prayers. Right now, I’m also worried tha

November 26, 2014 What a day! Wait, maybe it’s just been this whole week?!  There’s an emotional roller coaster going on inside me. Holidays usually bring a ton of feelings on me all at once. My family is one of great turmoil. Being the oldest, I feel like it’s my job to try to keep the peace and make everyone happy. I have had the responsibility of my younger brother and sisters for many years. One of my siblings refuses to speak to our mother, and really has nothing to do with other family members, except me.  Well, I wanted to try to have everyone together for Thanksgiving. Much to say my feelings got hurt along with one of my sisters’ feelings. It ended the day in tears for me, where I locked myself in my room, went to bed crying. It was brought to my attention, by doing that that I let the devil win. I should have used that opportunity to praise God, and Thank Him for giving me another day to breathe, for giving me another day with my kids. Instead I should have focused m

As I was listening to iHeart radio today, I heard a new song, Lead me to the Cross by Hillsong. After I heard it once I looked it up on youtube.com so I could see the lyrics while I heard it again. This song spoke plain as day to me! I’m always amazed at how things will almost “speak” to me now. One line says, “Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost.” Okay, I may be way off, but for my life, I can/will take this as, those things that I thought were so important in my life, previous relationships, are no longer important to me, they need to be lost and should be lost, if I want him to, “Lead me to the Cross.” The start of the chorus is “Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out.” That first day, when I was called to the altar, He poured His love out on me. That was sometime in September. In between then and now, I don’t think I completely understand how this all works. I’m still trying to decipher it. It’s almost like a code. Just like what I’ve said about

1 Corinthians 10:13        No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can endure it. This verse has been on my mind for quite a while now. It’s probably because one night it really hit home for me. I made a stupid mistake and didn’t take my way out. The devil caught me, grabbed a hold, leading me to some stupid mistakes. Because, I’m the way I am, I tend to dwell on these mistakes. Again, the devil. I have an addictive personality, according to my best friend. This is a huge problem for me. Basically, if something feels good, I am addicted to it. For instance, Cherry Pepsi! I love Wild Cherry Pepsi. I was addicted to it. I usually only had one bottle a day, but it was nothing for me. The taste was so awesome; I felt it helped me through everything, from a rough morning, to just keeping me awake in the afternoon. We

Brokenness The point where you feel like you can’t go on. The point where you feel like you have no choices. The point where you feel so alone. The point where you feel like you can’t win. The point where you feel like everyone is against you. Until you come to a point that the only thing that you can do is To turn to God! The only thing you can do is Pray. The only thing you can do is yell out, Jesus help me! I woke up this morning having a bad dream. There was person in there that hasn’t been on my mind too much lately. But I woke up missing him more than ever. I miss his embrace. I just want to hug him. I was about in tears. This feeling of not ever being able to embrace him like that is part of my brokenness.  I miss him so much. I miss his sense of humor. I miss the way he used to look at me. I’m angry with myself because I shouldn’t be missing him. As I’m lying there I think about things that have happened in the past, the good times w

November 16, 2014 Today we listened to a pastor speak at our revival service. What a great message! “Have you had your burning bush experience?” Why, yes, yes I have. God has brought me from a marriage that was full of adultery, from both my husband and I, to a place where we are ready to live our life for Jesus. It’s kind of a long story as to how and why we got to the point that we were at. But today, I’m going to focus on the burning bush part of it. So as I was listening to him talk this morning about the burning bush, I thought when did I actually have that experience? My “coming to Jesus” and my husbands’ seem to have happened very differently. I know that his was almost instantaneously. He went to the altar completely broken, asked for forgiveness and changed his life almost immediately. While he was dealing with all of that, I was busy dealing with my own issues. I wonder how many times God has shook his head and said, “Girl, what are you thinking?” Ok, so back to th

November 18, 2014 Choices! This is the word that I woke up with today. At every hour, every minute, every second you have a choice to make. Whether it’s what to cook for supper or what attitude am I going to take regarding this situation. I've been made aware that I have the choice when it comes to how I deal with situations. I can choose to let the devil suck me in and dwell on silly things, or I can confront them, in a good manner and be Christ like in deal with the situation. Now looking over this it might leave you confused. Recently, I was very angry with my husband for choices he made with our money.  Basically, I thought that he wasn't following the plan that we (during counseling) had decided to take. So what to do……..well, of course, I texted my best friend. What do you think she said, “You have a choice!” What?  I don’t understand. Okay, well, I did. But she explained it well. “You are letting your emotions about a situation with Chris impact your decision ab