BeautifullyBroken

2015, I'm so glad you are over! That year was a year full of so many struggles, emotionally, physically, & spiritually! Seems like once I thought I might over come one, another one would hit me at full force. I really don't want to talk about that year anymore! I'm ready to look forward, hoping and praying that things will be so much different for me in 2016. That I will be able to accept changes in my life as a good thing, knowing that's God wants. That I willingly will make changes in my life! That I will give up control of my life to God & that I'll be okay with that. Sunday I'm going to sing the song, Touch the Sky , by Hillsong, during church. One line in this song is, "I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground." That's where I'm at right now, that's where 2015 was, I was on the ground, broken, not knowing what to do or where to go. Feeling like I could not do anything right! I struggled with relationships, with followin

Grace : the word that has consumed mind a lot this past couple weeks. I think I finally can grasp the actually concept of the word, but trying to apply it and believe that it is true in my life is a totally different story. A lot of reason is probably because I don't think I really deserve to be offered grace, not with as much as I've screwed up. I'm one of those people that would rather work of all the bad stuff I have done, and not just "accept" God's grace. The best explanation I have every really heard of the word is "undeserved favor." NO ONE deserves grace, making it undeserved. We have to CHOOSE to accept it! This is one of my favorite songs. I love how it talks about grace. I think grace is such a complicated, confusing, crazy concept to think about. A man, Jesus, died on a cross to cover our sins. GRACE! He's not asking for anything in return, but our love and submission. Upon some research, (okay, you got me, more googling!)

It's 3 a.m. I'm wide awake. Again. After the sermon yesterday I decided to kneel next to my bed and pray. I ask God to help me to stop doubting. There's not a specific thing so much that I doubt, I just doubt everything. I doubt, sometimes, if God is real. Okay, before you freak out, I know logically he's real. I see Him in so many people's lives. I've seen Him act in my life before, by the way that things just "work" out. The only problem with that is that I try to logically figure it out. I try to put the pieces all together, even when the only explanation is "that was God." I doubt my relationships with others. This might align with the whole jealousy thing, or it might align with my overthinking. I'm not good at relationships. I'm good on the surface, for the most part, but actual relationships, I question, a lot! From, did I say the wrong thing to I wonder why they are mad at me. (When they might not have had a chan

So, I've took a little blogging vacation. Not that I wanted to, but I kind of decided that if I couldn't be positive, then I wasn't doing what God had intended me to do with my writing. This has been an eye opening, slap in the face kind of month or so.  Remember the roller coaster I have talked about getting off so many, many times? Well, again, I dipped low. I would hazard to say that it might have been the lowest I had ever been. Sometimes though, you have to hit that low point, the point where all you have is God. (Someone, who thinks they are pretty wise, has said this more then once!Haha!)  Much to say, struggling is an everyday process for me to overcome. But, I see hope, maybe even glimpses of peace in my life. I start to get extremely worried when I see this, or let myself feel it, because then I worry so much about what "might" happen next. What is going to happen that I'm going to make the wrong decision? Or, what is going to happen that will

When do you just give in? I mean completely give in? When do you say "I surrender all" and really follow through and mean it. When do you say, "I'm sorry God, I will follow you now and forever." When do you stop being scared to death of the change that has to happen in your life? When do just jump in with both feet and stop wading in the shallow end? When do you take that leap of faith? When do you fully and completely trust God with everything? When does this scared feeling go away? When are you going to crave peace and hope more than being stuck in your old ways? What would happen if you did just give in? Why do you continue to struggle? Why are you on this path of tug of war with God? GIVE IN!!!! STOP Just getting your feet wet and dabbling in the shallow end!

A few weeks ago my Aunt was in an accident, where a semi basically ran over her and her husband. They are both lucky to be alive, but the outcome of this accident is  going to be the true test. My Aunt is going to have a long rough road ahead of her, not only physically, but emotionally. I'm sure she replays every moment from that day in her head a thousand times. She has already had nightmares regarding that horrific time! A little background about my Aunt. She is the youngest of eight children, she has two kids, that she raised as a single parent. She has two grandchildren that adore her and she spoils any chance she can get. She has been a huge part of their lives, and wouldn't change that for anything. I think she's the funniest of all her siblings, she's great at cracking jokes. She is one of the most caring people that I know. She opened her home up to my husband and I when our oldest daughter was in the NICU for 5 months, I'll never be able to repay her for

Have you ever felt the raindrops when the stars are shining? Have you ever felt God's grace when you are dumpster diving? Do you wonder if He's still there, even though you can't feel Him? Are you still running with no where to go? You have a place to go, you just don't see it. You don't want it. You haven't had things that simple, you refuse to let it be. Turn to Him now! Stop your daydreaming, Remember He promised to give you rest, turn to Him now, He's waiting. Submit everything, He has it now. Those raindrops that are falling? They are to remind you He's still there, waiting. You can't see the clouds, He's protecting you from them. Stop doubting His presence! Why do you still doubt His promises? Has he not revealed Himself to you in the stars? In the moon? In the way the earth revolves around the sun? Believe in His promises. Believe and live your life for Him.

This week has been full of Vacation Bible School! If you ever need to find some energy or joy in your life spend a week with almost 50 kids!!! When a child smiles at you, you can't help but smile back. When a kid comes running up to you and gives you a great big hug, you can't help but feel loved and you want to do anything possible to make that child feel loved. I learned a lot this week. I know that VBS is supposed to be about teaching children verses and stories from the bible, but I learned so much this week! I learned to have a great deal of patience, sometimes it was okay that things didn't go as I had planned them! I learned to just go with the flow. I learned to smile, even though my heart was aching on the inside. Sometimes that smile not only helps you, but makes someone's else's life just a little better. I learned that everything that happens in life is due to God! Everything! One year ago I stepped foot into this church, unsure of my life. I stepp

So, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about, so I'll just see where this goes. Our church is doing this daily reading program, trying to read the bible in a year. Well, much to say, I'm not fond of doing it, for many reasons. (I know, I really shouldn't be like that!) Well, tonight, I actually found myself reading ahead!!! It almost makes me smile in knowing why I did! There's even tears in my eyes knowing that God was talking to me tonight while I was reading. HE ACTUALLY CARES about me! (I'm still not sure why, I think, as tears roll down my face! I'm not deserving enough! But that's a conversation for another day!) We are in the book of Acts. It's talking about Paul. Okay, from what I know about Paul, he went through so much! He sinned, a lot! He hunted down Christians! Then God turned Paul around. In chapter 26, (One chapter farther then I was supposed to read tonight!) Paul talks about when/what Jesus told him to do, making him

Well, I almost hate to say this....because I'll probably come down later....but I've had a few good days in a row!! I'm worried because usually I can do this for awhile, but then I hit a wall, and everything comes crashing down on me. But I'm hoping that I'll "choose differently and think differently" when those walls start closing in on me. Towards the end of this week I woke up and decided that I was going to have a better day. So I wrote two things on my hand, "Think Differently and Focus on God." Ever since then I have kept writing those statements on my hand. Now, the focus on God part is pretty self-explanatory. The "Think differently" might require some explanation. My pastor told me this awhile ago and it didn't really stick with me until this week. Basically, the way I was thinking before I was saved, before I made the choice to become a follower of Christ was wrong. My focus was on myself and my own wants/desires. Now,

Grace   G od's R ighteous A rms C overing E verything What is Grace? What does it mean to be covered by God's grace? Do we earn it? Is it given freely? Can we rebuke it? Can we walk away? Why does He give it to us? Can we mess it up? Can God say, "No, more, you've messed up one too many times?" Does He give up on us? If so, when? Well, I wanted to know exactly what the definition of Grace was, so I asked my pastor, he responded with,  "Grace is being given something that you don't deserve. You can't earn it." Then continued on saying Grace means something different to everyone. So I started looking through the bible for what Grace means, with no luck! Everything I came across was just using grace in a sentence. Then I had another friend that said to imagine that the devil has chains on me that he is continually trying to pull. Each link in the chain represents something, and when it is broke that's grace. Grace being that God fre

When am I going to be happy and content with my life? Why do I have to over analyze things? Why does my mind always go 1,000 different directions all at once? Why do I always feel guilty about choices that I make? Why do I always second guess any decision that I make? Why do I feel like since I've been saved I've been doing everything all wrong? From the simplest decisions to those that affect not only my life but my kids. I've had this conversation with my pastor, I'll see if I can remember it and not mess it up too bad. Basically he says that I'm right, I had been doing things wrong. My direction before was focused generally on the here and now, not looking forward. Now that I'm saved my direction must first be to follow God. Basically everything must be cleared through Him. So, basically every decision that I make I must first pray about, thinking about God first. Sometimes I actually do feel content and happy, but it doesn't ever last for very long.

As I find myself looking at an e-mail that got sent to me and a few of the sentences are sticking out to me. It's well after midnight, and I can't help but dwell on those sentences. "God wants to change me and bless me." It's hard for my first response not to be "Why? Why does He care? What difference will it make? Why am I so important? Just let me stay in the background, where I've been my whole life!" WHY!!!!????? I'm struggling so much......................... Another sentence that stuck out to me out of that same e-mail was "It will take your complete surrender in His will to get there." (This followed first sentence!) What does that mean? Haven't I changed more then enough? Probably not. I suppose that there's going to be constant change. Great, just what makes me happy.........CHANGE!!! Seriously? So, the church is doing this daily reading challenge to read the bible in a year. We are in the book of Job. Job

If you know me, you know I am super scared of heights! So, I can't stand roller coasters. The speed doesn't bother me, because, I'm kind of a speed freak, but the height makes me want to puke! I've only been on one roller coaster in my life and that was at the age of 10. My dad forced me to go, boy did he regret that! I was so scared that I bit his shoulder! Haha! TAKE THAT!!! Anyways, back to where I was going with this, you know that feeling when you hit the low spot? You know that feeling that makes your stomach drop? Then you start slowly climbing the next hill and you hear the click-click-click of the gears on the coaster and your stomach starts to get a quesy feeling and you want to just jump off or yell STOP! I change my mind! Then all of  sudden it feels like the floor just dropped out from under you and you really want to puke!  I would have never thought that I could feel all of those feelings without actually being on a roller coaster! I have had a

It's been a tough week. I don't exactly know why. I think its a compilation of a bunch of things. Should it have been a tough week? Probably not. But, like my good friend tells me a lot, it was my choice. I chose to dwell on things. I chose to worry about things. I chose to make things ten times worse then what they should have been. It was my choice! Does that make it any better? Nope! Now, don't get me wrong, there were times that I did have fun, but was always arguing with myself and not letting myself be free of the struggles inside my head.  I'm back to struggling with the question, "Do I belong?" Do I belong here, right here,right now? Through all of my screw ups, through all the hearts I feel like I've torn apart, through the friendships that I can't seem to get a handle on, through the love from others that I can't take. This morning I felt like I didn't belong at church, I've screwed up so much, I shouldn't have even walke

Have you ever been afraid of the silence? Silence to me is a curse, it's the means to drive myself crazy within my own thoughts! It starts all innocent, you should have said this, instead of this; you should have done this, instead of this. Then it starts going even more backwards. The past creeps up on me, the mistakes I'v made, the sins I've committed. Yes, I know they are all forgiven, but that doesn't stop the haunting. So, I just get home and the house is perfectly quiet! I am the only one home. The first thing I want to do is get some loud music going. Then I had this thought that said, "No, you have to be okay with the silence." I made a goal to sit in silence, (even though I'm typing) for 15 minutes or more. So, I googled "scripture silence," just those two words. Here's one of the first images that I see: "Listen to God in the silence of your heart and you will know His perfect plans for you." Psalm 37:4 Now, I